Hi all!

Well, Batman Week is over and I’m pleased to say that the movie was an absolute delight. It’s entirely possible that maybe I still know how to love after all. And now, I have to find a new upcoming event to focus on so as to avoid taking a hard, honest look at my life.

Point is LEGO Batman is really good and aimed squarely at the EJ pleasure centers. Harvard for Police!

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

 

MONDAY

CW

8-9 Supergirl – Metallo breaks out of prison and multiple Luthors appear. Not Lex, but several backup Luthors.

NBC

9-10 The New Celebrity Apprentice – SEASON FINALE! The finalists compete to raise money at a special charity event. Just the task, not the extra hour of live ego stroking that the previous host required. Whatever happened to that guy anyway?

AMC

10-11 Humans – SEASON PREMIERE! Oh, yay! I loved the first season of this show about artificial life. I think the way it deals with the idea of consciousness and the distinctions between human and AI is much better than the way Westworld does (though in all fairness, that’s not necessarily the focus of Westworld no matter what they tell you). It’s really good, I promise!

 

TUESDAY

FOX

8-8:30 New Girl – Jess tries to convince everybody she’s happy being single on Valentine’s Day, which is what I try to do every year. She’s so relatable!

NBC

9-10 This Is Us – Kevin stresses about the premiere of his play while Toby and Kate decide to get to know each other’s biggest secrets. With one another’s consent, or is this just an elaborate series of deceptions? I have to say, I like Toby a lot because he’s a character type you don’t see in dramas – he’s the guy who always has to make a joke but can’t read the room as to whether it’s appropriate or welcome. He’s drama Michael Scott!

ABC

10-11 Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – Coulson tries to save Director Mace, who’s fighting for his life. I was so sure they were going full villain with Mace and now I hope he turns out to be OK. They’ve toyed with my head!

FX

10-11:30 Taboo – The East India Company declares war on James Delaney while a family revelation drives him to dark and haunted places. Those are literally the only two adjectives that accurately describe him anyway.

COMEDY CENTRAL

10:30-11 Detroiters – Tim and Sam buy a motorcycle instead of a production van, and it’s inherently hilarious to picture either of them riding a motorcycle. I like this show a lot!

HULU

The Mindy Project- SEASON PREMIERE! You guys, both this show and Hulu follow me on Twitter. I think that means I’m this close to being best friends with both Mindy Kaling and Garret Dillahunt. Please put in a good word for me.

 

WEDNESDAY

CW

8-9 Arrow – We get a Wild Dog origin story that steals an episode title from Star Trek. It’s getting weird out there. Also, how is there an episode of TV about Wild Dog? I say this as a guy who loves dumb DC characters, but Wild Dog is in the top five dumbest of all time.

ABC

8-8:30 The Goldbergs – Erica and Barry both get jobs at Spencer’s Gifts, the store that inspired one of my first stand-up bits ever. Man, I liked that bit. Remember back when I used to be funny?

9-9:30 Modern Family – Phil talks Jay into investing in a property which is sure to be great for their relationship.

9:30-10 Blackish – Dre goes to Compton for a funeral and reunites with his old crew. How often do you think about that season when Anthony Anderson was the villain on The Shield when you watch this show? For me? Constantly.

CBS

10-11 Doubt – SERIES PREMIERE! Katherine Heigl attempts another return to TV with a legal drama that looks like a boilerplate legal drama.

FX

10-11:08 Legion – This show is beautiful and utterly perplexing. I think I’m clear on what parts of the show are actually happening, but that could change at any second. I like it, but holy cats does it ask a lot. This week, Dan reflects on his past, which is only going to muddy the waters further.

FXX

10-10:30 It’s Always Sunny in PhiladelphiaDee sets out to impress a male stripper while Mac and Frank play a war game. Why, this sounds positively straightforward. Also, Dennis and Charlie talked about it on Ben Blacker’s Writers’ Panel podcast, but this season jumps all around in time and we’re not necessarily seeing episodes in the order in which they happen. I assume there’s a payoff to it, and now I’m fixated on finding clues.

10:30-11 Man Seeking Woman – Josh attempts to pull off the perfect proposal and I feel like things are moving too fast. This is just my thought as a single and lonely man who wants to drag everybody else down with him.

 

THURSDAY

FOX

8-9 MasterChef Junior – Part two of the tryouts. I like this part more on regular MasterChef. The Junior Edition just results in more disappointed kids, which isn’t a lot of fun to watch.

NBC

8:30-9 Powerless – Emily tries to clinch a deal with Atlantis, which presumably is not an organization but rather the underwater realm where Aquaman lives. Remember when they had to stop using Aquaman on Justice League because the WB was developing an Aquaman show that ended up never happening? That was a thing DC used to care about.

BRAVO

9-10 Top Chef – As we get close to the final, the chefs have to create a dish using goat. That’s skeeving me out just thinking about it, even thought we regularly eat just about every other farm animal. What does a goat do on a farm anyway? That just now occurred to me and I think maybe I could have answered this question when I was six but now I have no idea.

FX

10-10:30 Baskets – Chip and Christine finally return to Bakersfield, ruining things for Dale. Good. Dale is a jerk who should be inconvenienced.

 

SUNDAY

FOX

8-8:30 The Simpsons – Homer turns out to be a chess master and I feel like if any show was going to get famous chess players to do guest voices, this would be the one.

8:30-9 Son of Zorn – SEASON FINALE! Zorn tries to help Linda get her job back and also helps Alan win Layla back. Aww, Zorn is helping people! Finally!

9:30-10 Bob’s Burgers – Gayle’s cat, Mr. Jim Business, secures a pet agent. I already want this episode that I haven’t seen yet to win all the Emmys.

NBC

8-11 The Paley Center Salutes NBC’s 90th Anniversary – It’s a celebration of NBC’s history with celebrity interviews and clips of its iconic shows. Well, I can imagine at least one iconic NBC show that’s not going to come up. Just saying, something tells me Phylicia Rashad was not called in for any interview segments.

CBS

8-9 The Good Fight – SERIES PREMIERE! This Good Wife spinoff is only airing its first episode on the actual network – the remainder is exclusive to CBS’ streaming service that nobody uses.

AMC

9-10 The Walking Dead – Rick and his group encounter a mysterious group of survivors. Wow. Really breaking ground with this season, huh?

10-11 Talking Dead – Chris Hardwick and a panel of guests discuss the new episode. This week’s panel: Sean Spicer, The Dowager Countess, and Jean Grae. (Panel subject to change because I just now made them up.)

HBO

9-10 Big Little Lies- SERIES PREMIERE! Nicole Kidman stars in this David E. Kelley adaptation of a novel that I assume is about somebody having an affair. I feel like that’s what most novels are about these days.

10:30-11 Crashing – SERIES PREMIERE! Talk about mixed feelings. Judd Apatow produces this show with an awesome cast (Lauren Lapkus! TJ Miller!) based on Pete Holmes’ life. I like Apatow a lot and the supporting cast is made up of people I like to watch, but I can’t stand Pete Holmes. I don’t know if I should watch this or not. I should give it a chance – I mean, I watched almost six full episodes of Entourage. I can survive anything!

 

“Ahh! Not my eyes! I need them for eye exams!” — Gene Belcher

 

“I swim in it, I drink it. There’s really no wrong way to use a margarita pool.” — Phil Miller

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