This week, it seems like on any given night there are a bunch of things to watch or nothing at all. The 4th, especially, is a dead zone. There are a couple of oddball premieres this week, and if you’re like me you’ll watch Big Brother After Dark every night on the TV Guide Network. Which is a real thing. It’s just a live feed for two hours every night, regardless of whether or not what’s happening is interesting. And I can’t stop watching.
This is the first schedule written on my new laptop. After almost six years of meritorious service, my old computer gave out on me. It was traumatizing. That laptop and I have been through a lot together. But the new computer is swell and also doesn’t have the “D” key held on with tape. Luckily, I’d squirreled away money to pre-order one of the new consoles (I’m an Xbox guy, but literally everything about the PS4 appears to be better. I’ll keep everybody posted in case they want to buy me games, though.) Still some months till those hit, so I might be able to get back in the game. And speaking of video games, in the next four months I’m getting Saints Row IV, LEGO Marvel Universe, Grand Theft Auto 5, and Batman: Arkham Origins. And those are still on the Xbox 360! I really don’t need to worry about the next-gen systems until the new Assassins Creed hits. None of this has any real relevance, but I have spent hours thinking about which new console I’m going to get, and I’m still not completely convinced. I welcome all input and also donations.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR – Season Premiere! Woo! I love this show so much. I especially love that it is possible, in fact it’s likely, that nobody is going to succeed. There is an excellent chance that the season will end with “Well, nobody won. Again.”
10-11 SIBERIA- Series Premiere! OK, based on an article I read somewhere, I thought this was an actual reality show where people were badly injured. And in fact, the DVR listing does not make it clear whether this is a Survivor-style show or a scripted drama. It is, in fact, a scripted drama about a reality show. Clearly, they’re counting on people to be confused. In fact, most of the actors play a character who has the same first name that they do in real life. This is either going to be amazing or terrible.
8-10 THE BACHELORETTE – According to the promos, this episode is about a contestant who’s there for the wrong reasons. Which is stupid because everybody who’s been on this show since 2004 was there for the purpose of being on TV. Just because somebody is honest about it, that doesn’t mean they’ve done anything wrong.
10-11 UNDER THE DOME – Well, the premiere was fairly good except for isolated awful parts. It does not help that the person I was most interested in seemingly does not survive the first episode. But I’ll stick it out because I’m hardcore. This week, there’s a house fire, and the fire department is outside of the dome. Sounds like a job for…. volunteer firemen!
8-10 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE – Once again, the top 20 perform. Just like last week. Unlike last week, two of them are eliminated. I wonder how this is going to work, and if it provides a key for how Dancing with the Stars will handle eliminations without a results show. This is the sort of thing that concerns me.
9-10 BIG BROTHER — Veto competition! It seems to me that there are a lot of people who misspell their names this season. Also, plenty of hooking up, but it all happens after the After Dark episodes, so we’re not seeing the sexy stuff.
9-11AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – More auditions. The audition rounds will continue until everybody in the country gets their airtime!
10:30-11 INSIDE AMY SCHUMER – Season Finale! Amy competes on a reality show and tries to discover the perfect sex tip. If only every single magazine at the grocery store were related to this! Also, this show has already been renewed for a second season, because Comedy Central has its act together, that’s why.
8-10 BIG BROTHER — Live eviction! It’s time for them to stop being polite… and start being real.
8-10AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – Guess what we have more of tonight. That’s right, auditions!
8-10 MASTERCHEF – Hey, for some reason this is a repeat of last week’s episode. I do not pretend to understand why that might be. Still, everybody has to cook something using a pig head, so that’s pretty dope.
10-10:30 FUTURAMA – Bender meets a famous folk singer in prison. I am going to assume that it will follow up on the themes of “Bendin’ in the Wind”, or else this is the second Bender episode to focus on folk singing. Which is crazy. This is what happens when you crack a hundred episodes.
Get this. Not only is NBC televising fireworks, but they’re showing a two-hour block and then a separate hour immediately after. I think the second showing is just the highlights. So if you like fireworks but prefer to have the sight and sound filtered through cameras to have the immediacy removed, this is your night. Also, both Hell’s Kitchen and Wipeout are repeats because who wants to compete with that juggernaut? In fact, USA’s shows aren’t on, and TNT is showing The Fast and the Furious (The first one, which is before they decided to have them be any fun at all). Apparently, we’ve given up
9-10 666 PARK AVENUE- Louise learns why Alexis hates here, and Jane investigates the Conspiratii. Which is the laziest name ever for a shadowy group that may or may not be… conspiring.
8-9 BIG BROTHER – “The new head of household moves rooms”. That’s right, “Who wants to see my new HoH room?” has become a selling point.
9-10 WHODUNNIT? – This show is ridiculous and overblown and has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and now I’m obsessed with it. Imagine if everybody on The Mole were Corbin Bernsen and also they had to pretend that the eliminated contestants were actually being murdered, and that’s the show. It’s nuts.
9-10 THE KILLING – Seward clashes with death. That’s exactly what it says, and no, it doesn’t make any sense. Don’t get all artsy with your descriptions, AMC. The Killing is not Mad Men and it never will be!
10-11 COPPER – Corcoran must choose between fealty and loyalty. Clearly, a thesaurus will be necessary to solve this headscratcher. Also, it’s the wedding of Morehouse and secret Confederate sympathizer Elizabeth. BOOO!
12-12:30 am THE VENTURE BROS. – “Momma’s Boys”. OK, clearly this is a big one as a friendship begins to unravel Dr. Venture’s sanity, Dean has a relationship with a mystery woman, and “Hand and Henchman 21 are committed”. First off, it’s Gary. Not Henchman 21. Also, I have no idea who “Hand” is. “O.S. I Love You” hasn’t aired as I write this, so maybe the answers lie therein. Regardless, I have no doubt that it will be awesome.
“Lemon, this is part of your problem. I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel.” — Jack Donaghy
“The amount of money I’m going to be making would hurt your parents’ feelings.” — Kenny Powers