Hi all!

I’m less sad this week than I was last week, so there’s progress. I’ve set this limit on myself where I can’t have hard cider until this is all over, so I’ve been drinking White Claw. I’ve maybe mentioned this before. Though one time last week I drank a can before I went to work, which seemed very irresponsible. Like, I’m still leaving the house to go to work at the same time I used to. I have no excuse. Man, without movies, I have nothing to talk about in these introductions. The last movie I saw was Bloodshot and that was like six weeks ago. Also, Bloodshot was bad. I should have seen a new James Bond movie by now! And yes, I am clearly suffering more than anybody.

It is a light TV week, and I also can’t stop thinking about when we run out of TV. It’s going to happen. We should be hearing about the pilots that have been picked up by now. And I know I’m focused on the wrong things, but I literally only care about dumb stuff.

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

MONDAY

QUIBI

Reno 911! – The beloved comedy returns with new episodes on a mobile-only streaming app. Which sounds like a scam, but I have to believe it’s a real thing. Will I subscribe just to see Dangle and the gang? Yes. Yes, I will.

 

TUESDAY

Man, Tuesday is a slow day. There are a bunch of movies skipping theatrical release and heading straight to VOD, but I probably won’t list those unless I’m super interested in them. I can’t be getting VOD movies now! I just signed up for Quibi!

 

WEDNESDAY

CBS

8-10 Survivor – A two-hour episode! Or two one-hour episodes! Or 120 one-minute episodes! The possibilities are endless!

FOX

8-10 The Masked Singer – Less than twenty minutes of content stretched out to two hours! Remember when this show was fun? Now it’s a punishing test of endurance.

IFC

10-10:30 Brockmire – SERIES FINALE! I would like to remind you that this is a show about a disgraced baseball announcer. Here’s the listing: “Artificial intelligence threatens to take steps in its pursuit to rule the world and attempts to take over baseball.” I love this show so much and I’m sad that it’s ending. But at least it’s going out in the biggest and weirdest way possible.

FX

10-10:30 What We Do in the Shadows – Colin gets a promotion at work, which threatens the balance of power in the house. I will never get tired of everybody in the cast calling him “Colin Robinson” every time.

 

THURSDAY

It hurts when the once great Thursday night just absolutely whiffs on the schedule. Maybe I’ll play some video games. I’ve been trying to get back to games and I got a good deal on the Yakuza series. Or I’ll replay a Saints Row game. Probably that. Oh, wait!

BRAVO

10-11 Top Chef – Restaurant Wars! This is always fun, but it’s possible that we already peaked by having Danny Trejo as a guest judge. Especially because everybody had to use Machetes as knives and that movie has a weirdly long cultural trail even though nobody saw it.

 

SATURDAY

DISNEY XD

9:30-10 DuckTales – Dewey has to defeat a mythical Viking wrestling champion for the fate of the Earth. Holy smokes, this show takes big swings. Also, last week’s episode about the robot boy made me cry. I described myself as a robot boy to some friends last week when I sent them an email where I was confused about feelings and then there’s an actual robot boy. It really got me.

 

SUNDAY

There should be a new episode of Rick and Morty tonight, but Adult Swim doesn’t have their listings up yet. I’m more professional than they are!

FOX

8-8:30 The Simpsons – Lisa makes a new friend who loves horses and I’m hoping for an unannounced Bob’s Burgers crossover. I’m not sure Lisa and Tina would get along, but it’d be worth a shot.

9-9:30 Bob’s Burgers – Linda tracks down a legendary local singer and Teddy needs help arguing with a sports radio host. Sports are weirdly lacking in this world, now that I think about it. Must be some jock on the writing staff trying to bring it in.

BBC AMERICA

9-10 Killing Eve – No information available! Eve’s probably going to wear weird costumes because they’re just trying to appeal to very specific fetishes.

HBO

9-10 I Know This Much Is True – SERIES PREMIERE! Mark Ruffalo stars in this adaptation of Wally Lamb’s 1998 novel. I loved this book when it came out and I don’t remember a single thing about it. Like, Ruffalo is playing twins and I didn’t even remember that was a plot element. So I’ll be surprised by everything!

10:30-11 Run – This episode just has a boilerplate series listing, because we can’t have nice things.

 

“I’ve been in here a long time. Hours. No, what’s longer than hours? Years.” — Oliver Bird

 

“I’m not dying. I’m just getting my butt skin ripped off so I can be in a magazine.” — Bob Belcher

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