You guys, October 19 finally arrives this Thursday as Community returns for Season Four. That’s the big news for the week, though there are approximately a million things to watch this week. It’s February Sweeps, after all – one of the most magical times of the year. So get ready to watch a week of TV with the wide-eyed delight of a small child.
I saw Zero Dark Thirty this weekend, and it’s great. I’m not smart enough to review it, but it’s excellent and really hard to watch. But it’s distracting to see Andy from Parks and Recreation as a member of Seal Team Six. And since I can’t watch a movie without focusing on people I recognize from TV, you’ll also see Tony Soprano, Coach Taylor, Captain Jack Harkness, Pete from The League, and Michael from LOST. Highly recommended!
Here’s what you’ll be watching this week!
8-9 BONES – I know, I don’t usually list Bones, but this week’s episode is about a dismembered roller derby skater. And that makes this the third Monday night show in two weeks to have a roller derby episode. How is this happening? It’s not even like roller derby is making a comeback – it’s making a comeback specific to Monday nights.
9-10 BUNHEADS – Michelle and her brother go on a road trip, and Milly offers unwelcome opinions on Fanny’s dance recital. Yeah, when has a Kelly Bishop character ever wanted somebody’s opinion? Also, Monday really needs to step up its game in terms of TV. Why can’t you be more like Tuesday, Monday?
8-9 RAISING HOPE – Two episodes once again, because they’re going to finish the season before Idol takes up all of FOX’s available air time. We’ve got the second part of the honeymoon from last week, and then Burt and Virginia learn that the contents of their storage locker are up for auction. True, vaguely related fact: Looking through my own storage room, I discovered recently that apparently I spent the 90s being really into Star Wars Expanded Universe novels. Previous to this discovery, if you’d asked how many Star Wars novels I’d read, my answer would have been “between zero and one”, but actually it’s like 40. Don’t judge.
9-9:30 NEW GIRL – The gang accompanies Cece to a dating convention. Is that really a thing? I refuse to believe that’s a thing. Oh, also Nick and Jess wind up in a compromising position in front of Sam, who’s probably actually been rooting for those crazy kids all along.
9:30-10 THE MINDY PROJECT – Mindy tries to fix her issue with Ryan from The Office by setting his much-too-close friend up with Danny. More promisingly, Morgan tries to learn how to pick up women. Barinholtz!
8-9 HART OF DIXIE – Lemon and Magnolia try to break up Brick and Shelby. Only one of those four people has something approximating an actual name, and I will never get tired of that.
9-11 SMASH – Season Premiere! I think I have a friend who likes this show, thus, it’s listed. But I could be wrong, and then I listed it for nothing. One us will be proven a fool before the sun sets!
10-11 THE JOE SCHMO SHOW – The show’s producers scramble to keep the show from falling apart… Yeah, the backstage drama is easily the least interesting part of this show. But they insist on making me take it!
10-10:30 COUGAR TOWN– Bobby starts selling burgers out of a truck. I can’t help but think he’s going to have issues with the health department. Gotta wear a shirt to serve meat, dude!
10-11 JUSTIFIED – The search for Drew Thompson leads Raylan into hill country. And if the promo is to be believed, Raylan and Boyd Crowder will interact for the first time so far this season. Woo!
8-9 ARROW – Cyrus Vance is released from prison and sets about resuming his position as leader of the underworld. And in case you’re wondering (but you aren’t), “Cyrus Vance” is not a pre-existing DC character. He is, however, played by David Anders from Alias and Heroes. So that’s something.
9-10 SUPERNATURAL – This episode is title “Everybody Hates Hitler”, which is fantastic. It also looks like it’s going to be a Ben Edlund script. Man, this is shaping up to be a good one already.
8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – The male contestants perform in the first part of “Hollywood Week”. Do they usually split up Hollywood Week by gender? (This is a rhetorical question. I don’t actually care.)
9-9:30 MODERN FAMILY – Manny is willing to do anything for the lead role in Phantom of the Opera, Phil and Jay golf with Mitch and Pepper, and Gloria and Alex visit a psychic. Controversial stance: Sofia Vergara’s Diet Pepsi ads are really annoying. I do not blame her, though.
10-11 NASHVILLE– Rayna learns that Deacon has joined Juliette’s band. This is why you always play in a mask, like that Buckethead guy!
10-11 TOP CHEF – Yes, we’re in Alaska despite the Top Chef: Seattle title for the season. Liz Lemon was right not to trust Colicchio!
10-11 THE AMERICANS – OK, I watched half of the pilot and then I managed to delete it from my DVR while I was watching it. How is that even possible? So I don’t have much to say, except that what I saw was quite good. I’ll watch the repeat on Tuesday and have more to say, though. But this week, Philip and Elizabeth try to plant a bug in Caspar Weinberger’s office, and I will have flashbacks to not understanding old Bloom County strips.
10-10:30 WORKAHOLICS – The guys become obsessed with betting on high school sports. This is the one time I will ever be interested in high school sports. If I had the choice, I’d rather people be allowed to smoke in the office than tell people how good their kids are at sports.
10:30-11 KROLL SHOW – It is the much-awaited “Too Much Tuna” episode! Plus, another installment of PubLIZity! I am almost giddy with anticipation!
8-8:30 COMMUNITY – Season Premiere! At last! Finally, it’s October 19! I think we’re all nervous about Community without Dan Harmon, but I’m so excited to see the study group again. This week, students compete for class space and Alison Brie returns to be on TV on a regular basis. It’s been so long…
8:30-9 PARKS AND RECREATION – Ann makes a decision after a series of unsuccessful relationships. Also, Ben asks the guys to help him select a caterer for the wedding. I assume Chris and Ron will have very different ideas as to the perfect candidate.
9-9:30 THE OFFICE – Erin plans to break up with Andy, but Pete has his doubts. Hey, they’re acknowledging that Andy is still a dude who exists. Also, probably more stuff where Jim is suddenly a terrible person after eight years. Sigh.
8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – A second day of male contestants competing. Have they just acknowledged that every winner from here on out is going to be a nonthreatening white guy?
9-10 GLEE – The glee club members “must find their inner powerhouses for diva week”. I just rolled my eyes so hard, you guys. Also, Lana reports that they are airing Glee inDubai, which is nuts. Way to create the stereotype that Americans are terrible at episode-to-episode continuity! (That was Lana’s joke.)
9-10:30 PROJECT RUNWAY – It’s the annual “creating a look for Heidi” episode. Well, you know – she’s single again. She’s out there! It’s got to be hard for a woman with, what, eleven kids to meet people. She needs a new wardrobe!
10-10:30 ARCHER – Archer and his new stepfather are pursued by gangsters. Hey, we’re going to see what Ron’s deal is after that offscreen courtship/wedding. The only problem with that character is he sounds like a special guest voice, but I don’t recognize the guy who plays him. It makes me feel uncool!
10-11 SUITS – Hardman returns with a lawsuit against Jessica. Man, they just can not shake this guy! Somebody should just call Jesse Pinkman. He’s the only one who can solve the David Constabile problem.
12-12:15 am NEWSREADERS – “Louis LaFonda meets an angry Irishman”. HA! There is nothing more I can add to that.
8-10 TOUCH – Season Premiere! I still don’t understand the premise of this show, but it is back for a second season. I am only here to report the facts.
10-10:30 PORTLANDIA – This episode includes a scene at a steampunk convention, which is a fandom that I just don’t get at all. Like, are there actual steampunk reference points that people rally around, or is it just a general aesthetic that they enjoy? I just don’t know where it comes from!
8-9 BE MY VALENTINE, CHARLIE BROWN – This is one of the B-list Peanuts specials, but it’s full of really resonant moments – Charlie Brown hanging out at the mailbox, the little Red-Haired Girl… Aww, I’m already sad on his behalf.
11:30-1 am SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Justin Bieber hosts. Yeah. I’m not one of those Bieber-bashers. Kids like different things than I do, and adults who get unreasonably angry about his popularity seem exceptionally sad. But he’s not a very good host and his speaking voice makes him sound like Linus.
8-8:30 THE SIMPSONS – Mary Spuckler returns toSpringfield. This is the second Mary Spuckler episode this season, which blows my mind. Unless they really like bringing Zooey Deschanel into the recording studio. Which makes sense.
8:30-9 BOB’S BURGERS – Bob gets the kids to help him pick out a Valentine’s Day gift for Linda. Also, Linda organizes a speed-dating event at the restaurant. I love the idea of Teddy speed-dating. Actually, I love everything about this show.
8-9 ONCE UPON A TIME – The giant comes to Storybrooke and unleashes vengeance on the town. Yeah, there’s a giant attack. This delights me!
9-10 REVENGE – I have lost track of what’s happening on this show, but I want to note that Emily VanCamp has been cast in the next Captain America movie. Way to go!
8-11:30 THE 55th ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS – Tom Waits’ Bad As Me is nominated for Best Alternative Album! That is the only Grammy-related thing that I care about at all. Do not ask me for any of the other nominees, because I can’t tell you.
9-10 THE WALKING DEAD – Mid-Season Premiere! I assume this half of the season was shot before the show lost its showrunner. Again. Also, this week the follow-up discussion Talking Dead is exactly the same length as the episode of Walking Dead that they’ll be talking about. I was going to say that’s absurd, but I’m the guy who writes 8000 word recaps of Celebrity Apprentice. I have no moral authority here.
“The only difference between Senor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Senor Chang is.” – Troy Barnes
“One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong horse. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.” – Jean-Ralphio Saperstein