The thing about TV this summer is that there’s either nothing on or there are five things at once. It’s a delicate DVR dance which we perform. I wish I had more to say by way of introduction, but somehow I hurt my shoulder and that’s actually inhibiting my ability to type. Yes, I am a wuss. Fine. But unless you’re going to fix my shoulder, I don’t want to hear about it.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-9 AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR – The qualifier moves to Denver, where the altitude puts competitors at a disadvantage. So, last Monday my cable went out during this show and it ruined my night. This is all I have to say at this point Luckily, I managed to base my weekend around the Saturday night repeat.
10-11 UNDER THE DOME – Loved ones from the other side of the dome manage to visit. Hmmm. That’s intriguing. This show has steadily decreased in quality every week to the point that last week had me giving up entirely. But if we’ve got forward momentum this week, I might have to give it another chance. Why is Monday such a crummy TV night?
8-10 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE – The Top 16 perform and Carly Rae Jepsen is the guest judge. I have a faint idea of who that is, but she’s not a dancer, right? Despite the fact that I am typing this on a computer that has Internet access, I am still not going to find out. Also – I’ve had a new computer for, oh, maybe a month. The very first time I type the letter “a” into Google, it autofilled “Alison Brie”. That’s weird, right? Does that feature come preinstalled in new computers? I mean, there’s like a 90% chance that’s what I’m Googling, but still.
9-11AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – Do you feel it in the air? A subtle shift in the fabric of our lives? Do you have the sense that things will never be the same? Yes, auditions are over. This show has moved to the next phase. Be afraid.
10-10:30 DRUNK HISTORY – I just now realized that each episode is based around a city, because I am dumb. This week it’s Atlanta, which means we get Coca-Cola and Martin Luther King, Jr. Narrators include Jenny Slate and Thrilling Adventure Hour‘s Mark Gagliardi, despite the fact that alcohol cancels out his Nah-No-Tek. I will be making that joke later on Twitter with appropriate tags.
10:30-11 THE JESELNIK OFFENSIVE – Adam Pally and Casey Wilson are on the panel, and they’ll be playing Google games. I love those, even if it’s a steal from Norm MacDonald’s short-lived series. Yeah, I’m calling them out! There goes my chance of ever getting invited to the panel.
10-11 SUITS -Harvey and Jessica work together to bring down an old nemesis, while Louis offers Mike a case. Anything that keeps him away from Rachel. If I have to watch those two schmoop it up, I will lose my mind.
8-9 BIG BROTHER – Veto competition! The other day, I read that Aaryn’s family hired a publicist to deal with the fact that, you know, she’s a racist. How rich is her family that they can afford, and need, a publicist? I embarrass my family all the time, but there’s no need to bring in a professional for damage control, because nobody actually cares. They’ve got to be, like, Gilmore-level rich.
9-10 MASTERCHEF – The cooks compete in an overnight challenge. Slumber party! There’s also a pressure test involving a “spun sugar dessert”. Is that a fancy way of saying cotton candy?
9-10 AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – Contestants face elimination. They stare directly into its gaping maw, trying to hold back their tears of horror. But they can not. Even the strongest among them will break and then all will belong to Klum.
10-11 CAMP – Mack considers installing a cell phone tower, while Kip helpsMarinadeal with the mean girls. I’ve heard this is really good, but I’m still struggling with the fact that it’s all young people and Rachel Griffiths.
10-10:30 FUTURAMA – Bender goes grave robbing to bring Calculon back to life. Hear that? That’s the rustle of continuity, my friends. He died in last season’s “Thief of Baghead”, but you can’t keep that kind of talent buried for long!
10-11 THE BRIDGE – Sonya and Marco track down a suspect who could lead them to the lone survivor in the desert. I love the fact that there seem to be two serial killers on this show, but only one of them is a priority.
8-9 WIPEOUT – Hey, it’s an old-school episode without competing pairs or some kind of theme. Just people getting hit with stuff and falling in mud. It’s all I want. All I’ve ever wanted.
8-10 HELL’S KITCHEN – Season Finale! Yes, we’ve reached the end of the road. It’s going to be weird – this season has been a part of my life for so long. It was there for all those important moments, you know? What’s TV going to be like without this season of Hell’s Kitchen?
9-10 BIG BROTHER – Live eviction! I am so looking forward to Aaryn getting kicked out of the house and the most awkward Chenterview of all time. Hopefully, tonight is our night!
8-9 THE HERO – Contestants rappel down the tallest building in Central America, also they “make their final please to America”. I assume many of those please include the phrase “Roadblock from GI Joe is forcing me to rappel down a building. He’s mad with power. Send help.”
9-9:30 DEGRASSI – Alli is in Paris, which comes as a complete shock to me. One would think they would have set up this plot development earlier.
9-10:30 PROJECT RUNWAY – This week, they create designs based on precious jewels. I feel like this will be an excellent week for really tortured explanations as to how a dress was inspired by the concept of sapphire.
9-10 BURN NOTICE – No information available! They were doing such a good job with episode listings, and now it’s all falling apart. Thanks a lot, USA.
10-11 GRACELAND- Another week, another unwatched episode of Graceland on my DVR. This is becoming a real albatross. Now I have so many that it has to be a serious production to sit down and watch it.
12-12:15 am CHILDRENSHOSPITAL- Season Premiere! No information available, but I assume it’ll be about the return of Blake, and I have no idea how they do that without breaking the mythology. They break continuity all the time, but the mythology is largely intact. We’ll find out! Mostly, I’m just happy it’s back.
12:15-12:30 am NTSF:SD:SUV:: – Season Premiere! It’s their second Comic-Con themed episode in two years, in case you’re wondering why I like it so much. I’m not sure if Amy Pond is in the cast all season or just the finale, but you can’t risk not watching it!
10-10:30 COMEDY BANG! BANG! – This week’s guests are Anna Kendrick and Ben Schwartz, and I’d pay good money to see him appear as Jean-Ralphio. Oh, and apparently Anna Kendrick time travels. Is she going to be replacing Matt Smith? Probably not, but I’d love for that rumor to get traction.
7-10 DOCTOR WHO: THE DOCTORS REVISITED – The monthly series continues with a look at Sylvester McCoy, the Seventh Doctor. You know, the one who got the series canceled the first time. Unless it wasn’t his fault. I guess we’ll have to watch this special to know for sure!
8-9 BIG BROTHER – Nominations! As this is three episodes in the future, I can’t even begin to guess what kind of world we’ll be living in by this time. It’ll probably be terrifying though.
9-10 WHODUNNIT? – No information available! The title is “All the World’s a Stage”, and given the ridiculously literal nature of the show, I have to assume somebody will be assassinated during a play.
9-10 THE KILLING – Holder wrestles personal demons and “Seward is truthful”. That seems like a weird thing to specifically cite as a plot point, so looks forward to exciting truth-telling action.
10-11 COPPER – Corcoran must work with an unlikely partner – a trained gibbon. The part about the gibbon is just my guess, you understand.
“I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga except I still get to kill something.” — Ron Swanson
“I saw a guy’s head spin, like, right off his neck. Why? ‘Cause I punched him!” — Sgt. Hatred