Hi all!

The big news this week is the final episode of 30 Rock.  It’s going to be tough to say good-bye to Liz, Jack, and the rest.  Sigh.  Why does everything I love go away?  Also, it’s the premiere of The Americans on FX.  Reagan-Era espionage!  Oh, and I guess the Super Bowl.  Full disclosure:  I do not know which teams are playing.  I think one of them wears purple, though.  Which is a total villain color, so I’m rooting for the other team.

I did not see any movies this week, and also my leg hurts.  However, I would like to point out that one of the side missions in Assassin’s Creed III has you searching for pirate treasure.  There is seriously so much to do in this game that I’ve forgotten to make story progress.  I’m building a homestead here!

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

MONDAY

ABC

8-10 THE BACHELOR – A roller derby match ends in a trip to the hospital and Sean surprises a date with a performance by Ben Taylor.  I would thing “confused” would be the appropriate response, as they try to figure out who Ben Taylor is.

ABC FAMILY

9-10 BUNHEADS – Michelle’s brother, played by Sutton Foster’s actual brother, pays her a visit.  Also, Ginny feels abandoned after Melanie develops an interest in roller derby.  You read that right.  There are two roller derby storylines tonight.  Somewhere, Drew Barrymore tells herself she was ahead of her time.

 

TUESDAY

Before you watch any TV, you should take proper note of the fact that it’s Supernatural recapper and all around best lady Lenny’s birthday.  Get her something nice, or no Cougar Town for you!

FOX

8-9 RAISING HOPE – Two episodes, and the second one is the first of a two-parter.  That seems weird, right?  Anyway, Sabrina’s mom hires a Modern Family camera crew to film Jimmy and Sabrina’s wedding, which sounds amazing.  Are they going to have talking head scenes?  Nothing would make me happier than Burt having a Phil Dunphy-style chat with the camera.

9-9:30 NEW GIRL – Nick and Schmidt compete over a woman, so clearly this lady doesn’t have a type.  Also, Jess’ night alone doesn’t go as planned.  I feel ya, sister.  That resource management minigame in Assassin’s Creed III can eat up a lot of time.  Before you know it, it’s time to go to bed and you haven’t gotten around to any killing.

9:30-10 THE MINDY PROJECT – Mindy thinks her new boyfriend is too close to his female best friend.  Uh oh.  This is getting awfully close to my unfinished romcom screenplay, The Best Ma’am.  Luckily, Ghost Wingman is still safe.

CW

9-10 HART OF DIXIE – A flu epidemic closes down Bluebell, which ruins all sorts of relationship-y stuff.  However, I suspect that a flu-ridden Rachel Bilson is still pretty adorable.

ABC

8-9 THE TASTE – This cooking show version of The Voice seems like it should be remarkably straightforward.  Seems.  Instead, it is remarkably weird.  It’s crazypants.

9-10 HAPPY ENDINGS – Two episodes!  Including the one that was supposed to air last week right up until it didn’t.  Max’s friends trick him into thinking he won the lottery, which makes them terrible friends.  Also, Jane takes Penny to a wedding expo.  That is literally the most boring thing I can imagine.  Oh, except for movies where elderly people find a new lease on life.  Those are the most boring.

NBC

9-9:30 GO ON – Ryan continues to pursue Simone, and the women use Owen as a body double while shopping for a wedding dress.  Hee!  Also, Piper Perabo’s recurring role led me to a surprisingly long discussion of Coyote Ugly last week.  It was delightful!  (The discussion, not the movie.)

FX

10-11 JUSTIFIED – Raylan goes on the hunt for his stolen money, while Boyd and Ava face a decision that threatens to destroy them.  This is not a helpful description, and for that I apologize.  However, you really should be watching Justified.  Come on, dude – quit being a jerk!

TBS

10-10:30 COUGAR TOWN– The women investigates Tom’s new girlfriend, while Ellie teaches Bobby table manners.  There will probably be seven other plots as well, because that’s how Cougar Town does it.

SPIKE

10-11 THE JOE SCHMO SHOW – Chase is chained to a prison inmate, and the show is put in jeopardy when the convict makes a run for it.  Wait – so he’s chained to an actual inmate?  That may not be a well-considered move for a fake reality show.

COMEDY CENTRAL

10:30-11 THE BURN – No information available!  I predict that Jeff Ross will mock the appearance of women who aren’t present, and then the segment with the guests will be wonderful.  Out on a limb here!

 

WEDNESDAY

CW

8-9 ARROW – Thea gets caught using a drug called “vertigo”.  Which is how the show will introduce Count Vertigo to TV.  If you had told me five years ago that there’d be a live-action Count Vertigo on TV one day, I would have called you a filthy liar.  However, if you told me that he’s also be downgraded from supervillain / royalty to “drug dealer”, I’d be all “yeah, that sounds about right”.  (Also, this makes two members of the Suicide Squad to appear on this show.  Who’s next?  Captain Boomerang?  Bronze Tiger?  Grant Morrison?)

9-10 SUPERNATURAL – Dean and Sam learn more about their father and their family history.  Given that their father is Jim “Ellsworth” Beaver, I’m pretty excited about this.

FOX

8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – More auditions in an unnamed city!  If I use an exclamation point, does it seem like I’m enthusiastic?

ABC

10-11 NASHVILLE– Teddy is forced to tell Rayna the truth, and Scarlett gets closer to Gunnar.  Remember the guy on Project Runway named “Gunnar Deatherage”?  That is one of my favorite names of all time.

BRAVO

10-11:15 TOP CHEF – The contestants set sail forAlaska and then prepare surf and turf.  You could see why that menu would necessitate a change in venue.  Where would one find turf in Seattle?  Where?

COMEDY CENTRAL

10-10:30 WORKAHOLICS – Alice quits and the guys meet their new boss.  Who I will assume is Jack Donaghy until I hear otherwise.  (Note:  It will not actually be Jack Donaghy.)

10:30-11 KROLL SHOW – I love this episode already, because it has Bobby Bottleservice investigating paranormal activity.  Hee!  Also, Young Billy Joel goes on an adventure.  That’s another “Hee!”

FX

10-11:30 THE AMERICANS – Series Premiere!  You guys know how much I love FX, right?  Well, I am super geeked for this new show – “Married KGB spies pose as Americans in Washington, DC after Ronald Reagan is elected President.”  This is going to be awesome!  As long as it’s less American Horror Story and more “Every other drama on FX ever”, we’ll be fine.

 

THURSDAY

NBC

8-9 30 ROCK – Series Finale!  Everybody comes together for one last episode of TGS, Liz struggles with her role as a mother, Kenneth settles into his new job, and I will probably feel all sad inside.  I’m going to miss those guys, you know?  Is there any chance of a spinoff starring Grizz, Dotcom, and Dr. Spaceman?  Because I would be most interested in such a thing.

9-10 THE OFFICE – Two episodes!  Because after you watched Jim yell at Pam last week, you almost definitely thought “I need this to be twice as long”.  And because the theme of the season is “Let’s crap on Pam”, her mural is defaced.  At least Dwight and Nellie are on the case!  (PROTIP:  To make any storyline better, add “and Nellie” to the list of characters involved.)  Also, tonight seems to be the backdoor pilot of the rejected Dwight Schrute spinoff.

10-11 DO NO HARM – Series Premiere!  Steven Paquale of Rescue Me stars in this Jekyll and Hyde story about a neurosurgeon with an alternate personality.  Also, his name is Jason Cole.  J. Cole.  Yep.

FOX

8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – Auditions continue.  I’ve already run out of things to say, and I’m waiting for later in the season to bust out my litany of complaints about Mariah Carey’s episode of Cribs from 2000.

9-10 GLEE – The Glee Club arranges a calendar shoot to raise money.  Think this episode will feature the sexualization of pretend teenagers?  Oh, you know it!

BRAVO

9-10:30 PROJECT RUNWAY – Wait.  Michael Kors is no longer a judge?  I didn’t think that would hit me so hard, but it’s got me reassessing some things.

FX

10-10:30 ARCHER – Well, I just giggled out loud.  “Archer’s fear of cyborgs hits home”.  Plus, you know, he actually has legitimate reasons to be afraid of cyborgs.  There’s a history!

USA

10-11 SUITS – Harveygoes head-to-head with Rachel’s father on a gender discrimination case.  And because they love me, Rachel’s father is Bunk from The Wire.  WOO!  After five years of covering for McNulty, Mike will be a breeze.

CARTOON NETWORK

12-12:15 am NEWSREADERS – Body hair trends potentially destroy the environment.  It is not possible for me to add anything to that.  As you were.

 

FRIDAY

FOX

8-9 KITCHEN NIGHTMARES – Gordon Ramsay goes to a restaurant in Beaver, PA.  That city’s not easy to find, since all the signs have been taken and put up in college dorm rooms.  Beaver.

IFC

10-10:30 PORTLANDIA – A temp worker serves as Interim Mayor ofPortlandand baristas draft a manifesto.  And I am still irritated by the Portland Nerd Council PSA, but this is not the time for me to talk about Tony Harris again.

 

SATURDAY

SCIENCE

9-10 AN IDIOT ABROAD – Karl and Warwick visit “the Las Vegas of China”.  I can’t even imagine what that would be, but I really want to go there.

 

SUNDAY

CBS

6:30-10 SUPER BOWL XLVII – You guys, it’s Super Bowl 47!  The J.J. Abrams-iest of all possible Super Bowls!  Oh, I can’t even pretend to know anything.

ANIMAL PLANET

7-9 PUPPY BOWL IX – Puppies play for hours, and it’s adorable.  It will remain on my DVR for like five months.

As a special bonus, all of tonight’s Adult Swim programming has the vague series descriptions rather than episode descriptions.  I think two are worth noting.  Frisky Dingo is “Xander Crews battles the evil Killface as Awesome X”, which is not at all an accurate description of the series.  Or, in fact, of anything that ever happened on the series.  And China, IL is described thusly:  “Brothers who are professors sacrifice facts, lessons, and syllabi for the sake of being awesome.”  HA!

“I believe that the moon does not exist.  I believe that vampires are the world’s greatest golfers, but their curse is that they never get a chance to prove it.  I believe there are 31 letters in the white alphabet.  Wait… what was the question?” – Tracy Jordan

“I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest, or your tailor, or the mute elevator porter at your men’s club.  And you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise.  But for lesser beings like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.” – Jack Donaghy

“Doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in New   York; it’s still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.” – Liz Lemon

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