It’s almost 1 AM and I’m finishing this after the Game of Thrones finale and I’m tired. Please enjoy a TV schedule and let me sleep.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-9 Beat Shazam – SEASON PREMIERE! I’m only mentioning this app-based gameshow because it’s wild that DC hasn’t gone after the app or TV show for using their trademarked name. Especially with a movie out. Are they afraid they’ll lose “Shazam” the way they lost “Captain Marvel” and then he’ll lose all his names? And then if his movie gets a sequel, they’ll have to call it Untitled Zachary Levi Superhero Sequel?
9-10:05 Chernobyl – No information available, but I assume they’ll continue dramatizing the events of the Chernobyl meltdown. Most likely there won’t be a wild swerve into prop comedy.
8-9 MasterChef Junior – Six children take over a restaurant. I always hope they tell people that their meal will be prepared by a child as young as eight years old. I mean, they’re not even great at wiping by that age.
9-11 Blood & Treasure – SERIES PREMIERE! Well, this is an action show about an antiquities expert and it wasn’t really on my radar, but Spunkybuddy Mark Gagliardi (Thrilling Adventure Hour, Drunk History) is in at least the pilot, so we all owe it to him to watch it.
10-11:20 Fosse/Verdon – Bob and Gwen fight over creative control on Chicago, and I’m really curious as to which vision prevailed over the final product. These are things I can look up, but I want to learn through scripted television. This is the only information that matters.
10:30-11 The Last O.G. – Josh is robbed after helping with the food truck. I love that Ryan Gaul is getting to do more stuff this season, even if it’s probably bad for me to say that I support the one white guy getting more screen time. I just really like Ryan Gaul from Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ and Comedy Bang! Bang! and it’s good when he gets to do funny stuff. I’m digging a hole here, aren’t I?
8-10 Amazing Race – No information available! But it’s two separate episodes instead of a double-length episode, which means it’s two legs and that’s an important distinction. Also, can we talk about how Colin’s return is one of the most interesting redemption arcs in reality TV? And that’s because it’s not something engineered by a show – he was on the show like fifteen years ago and he’s back in 2019 and he’s a different guy. He was a mean guy with a bad temper and then in his real life he grew up and became a better guy, and now to see him back in the only context we know him from is really striking. People can change and they don’t have to do it on TV!
8-10 Norman Lear’s “All in the Family” and “The Jeffersons” – This is actually pretty cool. They’re re-enacting classic episodes of those shows with new casts, including Woody Harrelson as Archie Bunker. I like this idea. Also, I want to share something Norman Lear-related but I don’t know if I can. And even I can, I don’t know if I want people knowing my business. I’m mysterious!
10-11 Whiskey Cavalier – SERIES FINALE! Yes, this fun show was not renewed and it ends tonight. Where will I get my Lauren Cohan fix? If she goes back to Walking Dead and I have to start watching that again, I’ll be so mad.
8-9 MasterChef Celebrity Family Showdown – Part two matches up more families in cooking competitions including Tori Spelling vs. Jennie Garth. I feel like I should care about that more, but 90210 is such a blind spot for me. And don’t get me started on how long that show’s seasons were – like, they’d do 40+ episodes a season. How is that even possible?
10-11 Happy! – Sax and Amanda have to play Smoothie’s game to get Hailey. Speaking of Smoothie, isn’t Patrick Fischler great? He’s on so many shows I love, and even though he’s usually playing something terrible, I’m so glad to see him. He’s the male Maria Thayer, except that I haven’t had a crush on him since the Nineties.
10-10:30 What We Do in the Shadows – The vampires prepare to host an orgy, and I’m already imagining Colin hanging around an orgy and starting conversations about celebrity wines and laughing very hard. Also, this episode is directed by Spunkybuddy Jason Woliner, who is always really good and is a very nice man. Remember when I interviewed him and his answers were so good that it seemed like I knew what I was doing?
10-10:30 Brockmire – SEASON FINALE! Brockmire and Gabby get a chance to call a major league game, but they run afoul of protestors. They’re all signing a petition to redo the baseball season, I bet.
10-12 am The Name of the Rose – John Turturro stars in this miniseries adapting the Umberto Eco novel. Know who loves John Turturro? This guy! Know who desperately wants to talk to you about Umberto Eco and specifically Foucault’s Pendulum? This guy, but in college! Man, I went through an obnoxious phase. Not that books make you obnoxious, but being a guy who wants to use the books he’s read as a tool to make you think he’s interesting is the absolute worst.
8-9 Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – The agents hang out on the planet Kitson and visit a casino. Man, they’re committing to the outer space thing this season. Also, I was going to say something about Kitson being named after comic artist Barry Kitson, but I couldn’t think of a single Marvel credit for him. But he drew the issue where Batman defeats Azrael and as I learned from a recent re-read, and that issue is awesome.
7-10 American Ninja Warrior All-Stars – This is always fun! They bring back fan favorites from previous seasons and they do these mini-competitions. This show is such a guilty pleasure for me and this special is going to get me pumped.
10-11 Good Girls – SEASON FINALE! Guys, the listing says the women have to deal with a “rotten egg from the past”. I’m glad that newsboy who’s always on the corner saying “Wuxtry” and trying to sell papers is writing listings now.
AMC / BBC AMERICA
8-9 Killing Eve – SEASON FINALE! Eve’s mission is disastrously compromised and Villanelle is after the ultimate target. Batman. We can agree that’s where the show should go next, right?
9-11 Game of Thrones: The Last Watch – It’s a documentary about the making of the final season, and I know this is really just a promotional thing but I’m excited about it. Also? I really liked the finale and we’ll talk more about that later.
“I can make small talk when it’s called for. The Bachelor is a television show. Andre Agassi’s at it again. I, too, avoid gluten.” — Raymond Holt
“All I wanted was 25 square miles of land, valued at a hundred million dollars, given to me for free. Is that too much to ask?” — Leslie Knope