This is a weird week. There are a bunch of season premieres, including It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Kroll Show, Broad City, and most importantly, Parks and Recreation. But there are several night that are all repeats, too. There are either ten things to watch at once or zero. But Parks is back and nothing else matters.
I saw The Interview and thought it was really funny, but in a different way than I was expecting. Other than that, I spent the week recapping Celebrity Apprentice and playing Shadows of Mordor on the PS4. I’m not really into Tolkien, but the fact is that this game controls exactly like the Batman Arkham games, only you’re cutting of orc heads rather than punching mental patients. It’s super fun!
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
Hey, wait – no Gotham tonight? They come back from a long break with exactly one episode? What is this, Ren & Stimpy?
8-10 CELEBRITY APPRENTICE – Situations at the men’s team deteriorate as both teams try to sell wedding dresses. Man, we’ve already seen a wedding dress task. It was years ago, but there must be other things to sell. Also, freaking Geraldo, man.
8-9 PARKS AND RECREATION – Season Premiere! Guys, the final season begins! Since there are two episodes, about a million things are happening. However, I’m just going to focus on the fact that in one of the episodes, Ron and Leslie have to save Jamm from Tammy 2. I can’t wait!
9-9:30 MARRY ME – Jake and Annie take a polygraph test when it looks like one of them watched a season finale without the other. It’s like the reverse of the Seinfeld episode about Melrose Place!
9:30-10 ABOUT A BOY – Will tries to get a bar mitzvah invitation from Andy. Those things are hot tickets!
8-9 MASTERCHEF JUNIOR – The kids hit the judges with pies and make sausage dishes. I’m not sure which of those things I’m happier about.
9-9:30 NEW GIRL – Schmidt develops an ulcer and a class trip turns into a disaster. Not because of the ulcer. That’s a private emergency.
9:30-10 THE MINDY PROJECT – Mindy runs into an ex-boyfriend and starts to question her relationship. Also, Lauren might be cheating on Jeremy with Peter. It’s a classic switcheroo!
9-10 AGENT CARTER – Carter continues to track down Stark’s stolen technology, and it will probably be delightful. The pilot was super fun and you should watch it. And not just because James Urbaniak actually wears a speed suit.
10:30-11 COUGAR TOWN – Bobby has a job opportunity in another state. Wait, different from the one they were talking about last week? Are all of these plots going to be about Bobby and he just won’t appear at all? Weird choice for the final season, C-Town.
10:30-11 KROLL SHOW – Season Premiere! Another final season begins! There’s going to be a lot of that this year. This week, Bobby Bottleservice and the other gigolos play Horse. What can I add to that?
8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – Auditions in Kansas City! My friend Sean is from there! This concludes my remarks.
9-10 EMPIRE – I haven’t watched the premiere yet, but now I’m mad that they’re rerunning it in place of Gotham this week. Watch yourself, Terrence Howard.
8:30-9 THE GOLDBERGS – Beverly tries to find Barry a date for the Sadie Hawkins dance. At my school, it was called TWIRP, instead. And that was an acronym for “The Woman Is Required to Pay”. Which does not help with the stereotype that the Dutch are cheap.
9-9:30 MODERN FAMILY – Phil calls in his father to help with a neighborhood dispute; Jay and Gloria disagree over toilet training. I could never be a parent, because I refuse to have a strong opinion on that topic.
9:30-10 BLACKISH – Dre teaches his kids about Martin Luther King while skiing. Well, on a ski trip. He’s probably not actually on the slopes at the time.
10-11 TOP CHEF – Family members show up to be sous chefs. That’s all well and good, but it does not excuse the episode title “Sous Your Daddy”.
10-10:30 IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA – Season Premiere! After a long break, they’re back and they’re trying to break Wade Boggs’ drinking record. It also says “Mac oversees the execution”, and I don’t know what that means.
10:30-11 MAN SEEKING WOMAN – Series Premiere! A show about young people dating. That’s not especially appealing, but Jay Baruchel and Eric Andre should be fun to watch.
10:30-11 BROAD CITY – Season Premiere! Ilana and Abbi are back, and they’re looking for an air conditioner. I came in late on this show, but I ended up liking it a lot.
8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – Auditions in New York! I don’t have any friends from New York, but I really like the David Bowie song “Panic in New York”. This concludes my remarks.
10-11 PARENTHOOD – In the antepenultimate episode, Camille and Zeek ask Max to develop some old rolls of films. I bet they find evidence of war crimes and this show takes a really weird swerve as it reaches the finish line.
10-10:30 ARCHER – Conway Stern returns! Remember, the mole from Season One? Given that he lost an arm in his first appearance, I assume he’ll stick with the tradition of Archer’s enemies returning as cyborgs.
11-11:30 COMEDY BANG! BANG! – Maya Rudolph is this week’s guest, which should be fun. Also, Agent Aukerman goes undercover to apprehend a notorious bank robber. Scott’s been playing a lot of cops lately – either there’s some sort of Cop Swap involved, or he’s just living out his Burt Macklin fantasies.
12-12:15 am NEWSREADERS – No information available! It’ll be good.
12:15-12:30 am THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW – Also no information available! Just watch it and get off my back, man.
11:30-1 am SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Kevin Hart hosts! He did a good job last time, and I think he’s funny even if I’ve never seen any of his movies. (This will change when Get Hard comes out, but given that it’s a movie with Will Ferrell and Alison Brie, Kevin Hart is largely incidental to my ticket purchase.)
Lot of repeats tonight. Maybe because of football? Maybe just to break my heart?
11:30-11:45 MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES – The title is “Kidnapped!” The information is not available!
“You’re under arrest for conspiracy to commit murder, coercion, and frankly, a few things we’re probably gonna have to name after you.” — Harvey Bullock
“I don’t know how to make you cool. I’m not even that cool myself! I mean, sure, I have a pizza stone…” — Charles Boyle