There’s a lot of TV this week! And there’d be even more were it not for the State of the Union Address messing up Tuesday. However, this does remind me of my theory that President Obama is a LOST fan. Remember in 2010 when they rescheduled the Address, and now all of a sudden it wasn’t opposite the LOST season premiere? Good times.
This week also see the premieres for Survivor and Amazing Race. I’m excited about the Race, but Survivor has a team of “fan-favorites”, and they’re already promoting the season with how crazy they are. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, returning players kill my interest in any given season of Survivor. I think I’ll just save myself the aggravation and bow out this time.
Here’s what you’ll be watching on TV this week!
8-10 THE BACHELOR – This week, the hometown dates loom. Note that they’re not saying that it’s the week for hometown dates. They’re still off in the future. Sounds action-packed! Man, what I wouldn’t give for Dancing with the Stars to come back…
9-10 BUNHEADS – Michelle and Milly battle the town preservation society. Why, that means more of Liza “Paris Geller” Weil. I heartily support this development.
Tonight, the Tuesday TV Jamboree is pre-empted by the State of the Union Address. From 9 to 11 (or 10:30, depending on who you ask), all networks have coverage. And while this is important, I also really enjoy watching New Girl. So there you are.
10-10:30 COUGAR TOWN– Grayson gets hurt playing roller hockey. Which is different from roller derby. If this were a Monday show, it would totally be roller derby. Also, Andy tries to redeem his stash of sex coupons. Hee! I’ve been giving those things out left and right, and still no takers.
10-11 JUSTIFIED – A severed foot sets off a race against time, while Boyd and Ava work to break into Harlan high society. Wait, they have an Oxy dealing operation and they control the prostitution ring in town. In Harlan, they are high society.
10-11 THE JOE SCHMO SHOW – Wanda gives a lesson in frisking. Also, I assume the entire production is put in danger when Chase gets suspicious. Just playing the odds here.
10:30-11 THE BURN – Al Madrigal appears on the panel this week. Neat! But so does Ralphie May. Well, they can’t all be winners.
8-9:30 SURVIVOR – Season Premiere! This season is “Fans vs. Favorites”, which is my second least favorite of the Survivor premises. (The worst is still “divide the tribes by race”.) I might have to tap out his time ‘round.
8-9 ARROW – Oliver turns to Felicity for help after he gets shot, then remembers a significant event from the island. I hope that means he actually is all “Oh yeah, that one thing totally slipped my mind”, and not that we just see something in flashback.
9-10 SUPERNATURAL – Kevin figures out how to close the gates of Hell, while Sam and Dean argue over who should compete three trials designed by God. One of those trials is totally beating Bayonetta on the highest difficulty level, I bet.
8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – Part three of Hollywood week has female contestants competing for the chance to finish as high as second place.
9-9:30 MODERN FAMILY – Valentine’s Day ends with Claire in the hospital. Oh man, Clive Bixby got out of control, didn’t he? Also, Cam and Mitch end up with a new housemate after a wild party. I sort of hope the new housemate is a raccoon. I don’t know why, but that seems hilarious to me.
10-11 NASHVILLE– Rayna is comforted by an old friend, while Avery considers an attractive offer. From a raccoon.
10-11 THE AMERICANS – Philip and Elizabeth discover that Robert had a wife they never knew about, and Stan’s investigation into Robert’s death puts him hot on their trail. No information on how raccoons are involved. I know that’s not even really a joke, but I just find raccoons really funny right now. I will have it out of my system before I get to the Thursday listings.
10-11 TOP CHEF – The elimination challenge involves “an emotional meal”. So, like they swallow up their emotions? Because I know that well. Oh, so well.
10-10:30 WORKAHOLICS – The guys turn to a webcam girl for romance. Aw, Blake! Even I’ve never sunk to those depths. ME!
10:30-11 KROLL SHOW – A searing look into the lives of men with ponytails. Also, Dr. Armond is newly single and ready for love. Man, Kroll is going to cover every single genre on Bravo before the season is over.
Happy Valentine’s Day! More importantly, Happy Burning Love Day! Season Two premieres online today, and this time, June Diane Raphael is the bachelorette. The guys competing for her include Michael Cera, Rob Heubel, Nick Kroll, Adam Scott, Paul Scheer, and more! The first season was great, and we even named it our favorite web series of 2012. Check it out!
8-8:30 COMMUNITY – A Halloween episode takes us to Pierce’s home, where the study group has to get him out of his panic room. Man, that would be a way to write Chevy out of the episodes that shot after he quit. “Pierce? Oh, he’s in his panic room. Doesn’t Annie look pretty?”
8:30-9PARKSAND RECREATION – Leslie and Ben put together a black-tie gala, Andy gets ready for his police academy exam, and Ron appears on Pawnee Today. Have we ever seen him interact with Joan Callamezzo before? That should be amazing!
9-10 THE OFFICE – Pam interviews for a job in Philadelphia, and Dwight asks Angela to join him on a mission. Who’s going to suddenly and uncharacteristically become an incredible jerk this week?
8-9 ZERO HOUR – Series Premiere! Anthony Edwards plays a guy whose wife has been kidnapped by terrorists. I have not really seen or heard anything about this show, but action-oriented serial dramas have not exactly flourished on ABC. Besides LOST, of course. But, you know, The Nine, Kidnapped, FlashForward, Last Resort, etc.
8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – The top 40 contestants are revealed. We’re like six weeks into the show and they still have more characters than L.A. Confidential.
9-10 GLEE – Will and Emma’s wedding! This would be the event of the week if it had happened three seasons ago. Now, it’s just sort of a thing that’s happening. Which is their slogan, I think. “Glee – it’s on TV!”
9-10:30 PROJECT RUNWAY – The designers must create outfits out of materials from a flower shop and a hardware store. This is one of those episodes where you know the losing design is going to be absolutely insane.
10-11 SUITS – Scottie returns to complicate Harvey and Jessica’s legal battle against Hardiman. Aww, I like that actress! She’s been on Childrens Hospital and Mad Men. Not to mention Burning Love. So yay!
10-10:30 ARCHER – Archer’s former fiancée returns to ask for his help in saving her new boyfriend. Remember, Archer’s former fiancée returned from the dead as a cyborg, and then hooked up with the guy who killed her, who is also a cyborg. And he’s currently trapped aboard a space station. Man, this is a great show.
12-12:15 am NEWSREADERS – Narge Hemingway visits a summer camp with a horrible secret. Growing up in the 80s as I did, I assume that all summer camps have horrible secrets, except for the ones that have sexy secrets.
8-9 KITCHEN NIGHTMARES – Gordon heads to Sam’s Mediterranean Kabob Room. I think we can agree that there’s a fairly obvious problem right away. Oh, also the only employees are the owner’s children, and now I really want a Bob’s Burgers / Kitchen Nightmares crossover.
10-10:30 PORTLANDIA – The City of Portland is overrun with art projects, while Kath and Dave are concerned about coyotes in their neighborhood. That seems like a reasonable concern. Especially if you have dogs and the guy two houses down assumes that every time he finds a turd, it came from your dogs even though you’re very careful about cleaning up and besides, no dog has ever made a poop that looks like that. More likely, you had deer in your yard, bro. And I am not picking up the poop of an animal I don’t own, no matter how mad you are. What I’m saying is that every kind of animal is a pain in my butt, and also the guy two houses down is really hard to take.
11:30-1 amSATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Who’s the host this week? Well, it’s Cristoph Waltz. That is not something I saw happening. He’s pretty funny, though. Whether it’s the kind of funny that translates to sketch comedy remains to be seen.
8-8:30 THE SIMPSONS – Bart and Milhouse experiment with shaving and Marge tries to save Maggie from the dangers of TV. You mean like she did, oh so many years ago? Remember “The Day the Violence Died”? This episode also includes the Oscar-nominated short – “The Longest Daycare”. Neat!
8:30-9 BOB’S BURGERS – Linda quits when she doesn’t think Bob appreciates her. And then Tina meets a potential soul mate while restocking the milk fridge. I suddenly have the idea that Tina will fall in love with one of the missing kid pictures. Oh man, I want to see that.
8-9 AMAZING RACE – Season Premiere! No information available! But, you know, it’s the season premiere. There’s not a lot of information they can give us that would mean anything anyway. It’s good, though!
8-9 ONCE UPON A TIME – Emma, Henry, and Mr. Gold head to New York, while Hook teams up with Cora and Regina to rob Rumplestiltskin. Something occurs to me. They have introduced characters who didn’t originate in fairy tales – Captain Hook and Dr. Frankenstein spring to mind. Does that mean any fictional character could pass through Storybrooke? And since Disney owns both ABC and Marvel Comics… What I’m saying is that Iron Man should be on this show.
9-10 REVENGE – The Graysons put on a bold showing at their annual Labor Day party. The boldest part is holding it in February.
9-10 THE WALKING DEAD – This episode is titled “Home”, which was also the title of the X-Files episode that got pulled from the repeat schedule after it proved to be too disturbing. But in matters relevant to this show, Daryl and Merle question their choices and the Governor restores order.
“Noses are the unsung hero of the face, ties the whole thing together. Name one good-looking person without a nose… can’t do it.” – Burt Chance
“There’s been a mistake. You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.” – Ron Swanson