Hi all!

There are a lot of premieres this week. Some of them are just listed because they’re premieres and I try to list all the new network shows, and there are at least a couple that are listed only because I can’t believe they’re real. I mean, it’s 2019 and Temptation Island is on TV. If this works, will Paradise Hotel return? We can only hope.

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

 

MONDAY

FOX

9-10 The Passage – SERIES PREMIERE! The trailer for this show did not look good – Mark-Paul Gosselaar plays an federal agent who needs to bring in a 10-year-old girl who may have the DNA that will cure a vampire plague and then he decides not to.

NBC

10-11 Manifest – The pilot wants to prove that he’s not at fault for the disappearance of Flight 828 and, you know, I’m pretty sure that nobody’s blaming him. They don’t think he got lost for five years or anything.

 

TUESDAY
NBC

9-10 This Is Us – Randall’s campaign comes to a close and Kate and Toby get ready for the baby. And probably terrible stuff happens in Vietnam in the past. I mean, it definitely did. It’s just a matter of whether this show covers it.

CW

9-10 Roswell, New MexicoSERIES PREMIERE! The CW continues to transition to an all-reboots and adaptation format with a relaunch of the UPN series. I reviewed the Christmas episode about a month ago, and it was inscrutable! I was fairly certain the show was created by Christian Scientists. What’s going to happen with this reboot?

USA

10-11 Temptation IslandSERIES PREMIERE! USA brings back one of the sleaziest reality shows because times haven’t become dystopian enough.

COMEDY CENTRAL

10-10:30 Drunk History – SEASON PREMIERE! Will Ferrell and Seth Rogen star in an episode about Mary Shelley and Frankenstein. Awesome!
10:30-11 Corporate – SEASON PREMIERE! The first season of this show was very funny, but I get the uncomfortable feeling that Detroiters died so it could live, and that will weigh heavily on me.

 

WEDNESDAY

FOX

8-9 Gordon Ramsay’s 24 Hours to Hell and Back – Gordon goes to an Italian restaurant and I’m still dealing with last week’s episode where he made a guy fire his own dad and then try and confront an alcohol problem in 24 hours. That’ll probably work out great.

ABC

8-8:30 The Goldbergs – This is titled “The Pina Colada Episode” and I’d like to imagine they’re devoting an entire episode to the song.

8:30-9 Schooled – Hey, I liked the first episode! Could have used more Tim Meadows, but that’s true of almost everything.

9-9:30 Modern Family – Phil and Claire take a cycling tour through Italy and I can’t decide if the show has the budget to shoot on location or if they’re going to stick to a location knows as “Little America”.

9:30-10 Single Parents – Will’s ex shows up and she’s played by Vanessa Bayer! We’ve missed her!

SYFY

10-11 Deadly Class – SERIES PREMIERE! This is based on Rick Remender and Wes Craig’s comic about a high school for assassins and Eighties counterculture. I liked the comic and Syfy has a pretty good track record of adapting comics published by Image, so let’s hear them out.

TRUTV

10-10:30 I’m Sorry – Andrea learns there’s a downside to having a child who can read. Like how I used to read the lesson plans the teacher would leave on her desk in Kindergarten. I didn’t do much with this knowledge, so I guess it could have been worse. But if you wanted to know the next Letter Person to be introduced, I was your man.

10:30-11 Jon Glaser Loves Gear – Jon abandons his real wife to support his fake TV wife, so his real wife turns to a porn star. Also, this episode is nominally about tennis, making it my friend Sam’s automatic favorite.

 

THURSDAY

FOX

8-8:30 GothamPenguin goes after Haven because if ever a dude wasn’t going to respect sanctuary, it’s Penguin. Also, Bruce and Selina go looking for Jeremiah. I’m going to make a prediction about the end of the series – I think Barbara is going to redeem herself and die saving Gordon or Bruce, or maybe the whole city. And I think that’s going to happen just to leave open the possibility that Gordon will one day name a daughter after her, in honor of her sacrifice. You always want to leave the possibility of Barbara Gordon.

NBC

9-9:30 Brooklyn Nine-Nine – Tonight’s episode boasts the secret origin of Hitchcock and Scully as one of their old cases from the Eighties comes to light. I hope they look exactly the same in the flashbacks.

9:30-10 The Good Place – As established, I have to be careful about spoilees in the listing just in case my friends who are watching Season Two ever read the website, which we all know they’re not going to do. So instead I will just say that the title of this episode is both mysterious and rad: “Chidi Sees the Time-Knife”.

 

FRIDAY

CW

9-10 Crazy Ex-Girlfriend – Rebecca agrees to babysit for Darryl and Paula throws a game night and why would you have game night when your friend is babysitting? That’s some passive-aggressive nonsense, Paula.

FOX

9-10 Hell’s Kitchen – It’s black jacket time! I can’t tell if this season has been going on forever or if it just feels that way because Trev was on it.

NETFLIX

Grace and Frankie – The series that keeps causing June Diane Raphael to miss How Did This Get Made? live shows is back for a new season!

The Punisher – Frank Castle is back! And if recent events are any indication, Netflix will announce cancellation one week after the season comes out.

 

SATURDAY

NBC

11:30-1 am Saturday Night Live – Rachel “Mrs. Maisel” Brosnahan hosts! I feel like she’ll do a good job because she’s on an Amy Sherman-Palladino show and so she has to learn a lot of dialogue. We might have a host who knows their lines!

 

SUNDAY

There are repeats on FOX tonight and they’ll bury me in the cold, cold ground before I acknowledged Crashing on this page.

STARZ

9-10 Counterpart – No information available!

HBO

9-10 True Detective – The season premiere hasn’t aired yet, so I don’t have anything to say but I’m really looking forward to it.

 

“We’ll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, but with more cursing. We’ll live like kings! Damn hell ass king!” — Bart Simpson

 

“I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn’t come up in my police work.” — Andy Dwyer

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