There’s a lot of TV to watch this week. Some might be intimidated by this mountain of viewing, but we are bold and powerful. Is it too much to call us “heroes”? Probably, though I suppose I can’t stop you. Make your own choices, man. This week has premieres, finales, and a whole bunch of new episodes. It’s glorious!
Since I didn’t see any movies this week and I’m too distracted by sidequests in Assassin’s Creed III to make story progress, I don’t have more to say. So let’s get to the schedule!
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 THE BACHELOR – The women all have to play volleyball, because they lack any agency of their own.
9-10 THE FOLLOWING – Series Premiere! Kevin Bacon stars as a former FBI agent brought back into action to catch a serial killer. Granted, that doesn’t sound like anything new and exciting, but the ads are sort of interesting. I don’t know. Monday is such a programming dead zone right now that it’s probably worth a look.
9-10 BUNHEADS – “The girls continue to be enchanted by the new students”. Well, that sounds gripping! I’m not a big supporter of the idea that a show needs a big idea plotline in order to justify its existence, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what this show is about right now. And if it’s not about anything, it’s on the backs of the characters to keep it going, and the Bunheads lady is no Lorelai Gilmore.
8-8:30 RAISING HOPE – Frank throws Jimmy a bachelor party. Well, that can only be hurt by close proximity to Ben Wyatt’s awesome Board Game Bash. True fact: the last bachelor party I went to involved competitive bumper cars.
8:30-9 BEN AND KATE – Kate decides to go on a date with a baker. The wording is curious there. Like the idea that dating a baker is one that requires careful, possibly prayerful, consideration. Of course, given that my father was a baker, I can only suggest that Kate run. Run like the wind!
9-9:30 NEW GIRL – Nick attends Jess’ class undercover to investigate one of the students. Hee! Also, Winston has an awkward encounter with Cece. Ooooh, the rare sighting of a Winston storyline.
9:30-10 THE MINDY PROJECT – Morgan ruins Mindy’s one-night stand, while Danny and Eye Patch go on a date. Wait. I’m pretty sure there’s no character named “Eye Patch” on this show, and they’re just acting like that’s a thing.
8-10 THE TASTE – Series Premiere! This actually looks kind of cool – a cooking competition where the judging is a blind taste test. So it’ll be easier for Bender to win despite his food looking funky. The taste, you see, is fun-kay.
8-9 HART OF DIXIE – George’s mother tries to force Zoe and George to confront their feelings for one another. In a Thunderdome style confrontation. (I will be truly sad when Thunderdome references give way to Hunger Games.)
9-9:30 GO ON – A former member of the group tries to force the other members to choose between her and Ryan. That former member? Piper Perabo of Coyote Ugly and Rocky and Bullwinkle. I’m sure she’s done better things since then, but that one-two punch is hard to live down.
10-11 PARENTHOOD – Season Finale! Jasmine and Crosby receive exciting news, and Sarah has to make a choice. Plus, I assume there is going to be plenty of crying. But enough about me.
10-11 JUSTIFIED – Raylan gets in hot water with the FBI, and the snake church strikes back at Boyd. Sadly, “snake church” is neither a church made of snakes or a church where snakes attend services. Still awesome, though.
10-10:30 COUGAR TOWN– Laurie helps Travis find his superpower. Again, that’s probably not literal. Unless this show is picking up the baton that Heroes dropped right around the starting line. (Sports analogy!)
10:30-11 THE BURN – Guests this week include Margaret Cho, Brian Posehn, and James Adomian. Neat! I have a hard time imagining Posehn really zinging anybody, though. We’ll see how that works out!
10-11 THE JOE SCHMO SHOW – Chase’s ability to remain calm is tested. I think last week already established that said ability is not exactly among his most prominent qualities.
8-9 ARROW – Oliver goes after Diggle’s old commanding officer. So, get this. Diggle is named after writer Andy Diggle. Which is a cool thing to do. But there have been more episodes of Arrow including Diggle appearances than the number of issues that Andy Diggle actually wrote of Green Arrow.
9-10 SUPERNATURAL – Two people die while LARPing. There are not nearly enough TV episodes about Live Action Role Playing. Hopefully it’s not that lame werewolf one where conflicts are decided with rock-paper-scissors. Yeah, I have LARP opinions. Don’t even act surprised.
8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – The season where FOX was actually proud to announce that this season premiere didn’t lose as many viewers as they did last year continues with more auditions making fun of the mentally ill and Asian males.
9-9:30 MODERN FAMILY – Gloria’s mother and sister visit, Phil helps the kids with their problems, and Mitch andCamtry to correct Lily’s bad habits. That last one is the subtext of just about every Lily plot. Except when it’s the text.
10-11 NASHVILLE– Things get awkward for Juliette when she brings her mother to an Edgehill Records party. Oh man, I hope they really let the Lohan parallels play out and have them get into a fight that the police have to break up.
10-11 TOP CHEF – The chefs make sushi and fried chicken in two separate challenges. There is nothing hilarious about that, so I have no joke.
10-10:30 WORKAHOLICS – The guys realize a former employee may be haunting their offices. I assume that’s in ghostly form, but for real, there’s nothing creepier than people coming back to visit the place where they used to work. I never want to make eye contact with them.
10:30-11 KROLL SHOW – Dr. Armond gets his own spinoff show, which sounds fantastic already. Also, the Rich Dicks go toMexicoand that will probably not be horrifying at all. This episode wasn’t released early on iTunes, so I have to sit and wait to see it on TV like a regular person. (Or at least a regular person who didn’t take advantage of the readily available preview.)
8-8:30 30 ROCK – Liz and Criss get unexpected news that will probably prove me right. Also, Liz tries to save TGS from cancellation and Jack tries to select the new president of NBC. How awesome would it be if it turned out to be Dotcom?
8:30-9 PARKS AND RECREATION – April and Leslie try to get more women hired in government, Ron babysits Diane’s kids, and Tom asks Ben and Andy to teach him about basketball. Each of those plotlines makes me happy. Carry on, show.
9-9:30 THE OFFICE – Dwight tries to stop Darryl from leaving, while Nellie exposes Erin and Pete. I like the way that Dwight is actively opposed to change, and I approve of any Nellie plots in these waning days. But for real, did Ed Helms get eaten by a bear? I’m starting to worry.
8-9 LAST RESORT – Series Finale! A brutal battle for control leave the Colorado vulnerable, and we all say good-bye to having Andre Braugher and Autumn Reeser on TV for a while. (Although the hole in her schedule might mean more episodes of Amelia Earhart: Fearless Flyer.)
8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – The listings don’t even mention in what city the auditions are being held. So I’m going to assume Omaha.
9-10 GLEE – Sam looks for evidence to prove that the Warblers cheated at sectionals. How do you cheat in a singing competition? Oh! Wait! Did they have a high school ringer like in Pitch Perfect? Except this is a show about high school glee clubs. So is one of them a ten-year-old?
8-10:30 PROJECT RUNWAY – Season Premiere! The first hour is a “Road to the Runway”, but those are usually hosted by Tim Gunn, so we’re good. And then we kick off the duos season. Not super psyched about the gimmick, but I do love my Runway.
10-10:30 ARCHER – Archer and his former best friend are holed up in the Vermont wilderness. His best friend? Timothy Olyphant. Who’s probably playing a character, but it would be awesome if Archer and Olyphant were buddies. If I were friends with Timothy Olyphant, I’d call him every day to talk about Deadwood and try to get up the courage to ask him what happened with Hitman.
10-11 SUITS –Harvey protects the firm from a rival, while Louis and Mike pay the price for previous actions. They’ll need to be more specific – those guys probably have considerable karmic debts waiting for them.
12-12:15 am NEWSREADERS – No information available! That’s going to be kind of a thing, I assume. Adult Swim doesn’t so much go in for providing listings.
8-9 KITCHEN NIGHTMARES – Gordon heads to Massachusetts to yell at the owner of the Olde Hitching Post. There’s never much to say about this show, but I will never miss an episode.
10-10:30 PORTLANDIA – The Mayor steps down after an environmental scandal and a dolphin discovers that plastic bags have been banned. I sort of wish they wouldn’t have specific descriptions for this show – they listings don’t sound funny and sort of blow any surprises as to what we’re going to be seeing. I don’t need full disclosure!
9-10 AN IDIOT ABROAD – Karl and Warwick get parts in a Bollywood film. Do you think that’ll be in Life’s Too Short continuity?
11:30-1 am SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Noted comic actor Adam Levine hosts.
8-8:30 THE SIMPSONS – Homer and Marge look for potential guardians for the kids. Clearly, this is a backdoor pilot for that Lenny and Carl pilot we’ve all been waiting for.
8:30-9 BOB’S BURGERS – Are you ready for a perfect episode description? “Tina tracks the Mad Pooper running wild at the middle school.”
“I haven’t changed since high school, and suddenly I’m uncool!” – Homer Simpson
“Of course you’re not safe! There’s about a billion other things out there just waiting to burn your whole world, but if you want to pretend you’re safe just so you can sleep at night, then, OK, you’re safe. But not really.” – The Doctor