The finales are rolling in this week. For those of us who just hit 12% available space on our DVRs, this is good news. I don’t have much else to say because I’m writing this very late on Sunday night. Please, just let me rest.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 Dancing with the Stars – The six remaining athletes perform, including a dance battle. Which will not be as awesome as the one in the Legion season premiere, I bet. Also, triple elimination tonight because this season is just blasting through like a thing through another thing. I’m bad with similes today. As bad as a thing.
9-10:20 The Terror – Hope comes in strange forms as the question of what the men are willing to do survive is answered. I have a feeling nobody’s going to survive. Or else it’ll be just Jared Harris from TV’s Mad Men. He seems like the likely survivor.
8-9 MasterChef Junior – It’s a clip show! How do these still happen in this day and age? I’m already mad at FOX this week, and this is not the way to curry my favor. That said? I’ll still watch it.
9-10 New Girl – SERIES FINALE! Two episodes wrap up the six-season run as Jess and Nick make some life-changing decisions. I’ll miss this show. It was earnest and silly and I liked it.
10-11:11 Legion – A delusion starts like any other idea, but ends in disaster. That’s just a straight up cookie fortune right there.
10:30-11 The Last O.G. – Tray tries to raise funds to save a homeless shelter. I don’t have any jokes about homeless shelters.
11-12 am The Chris Gethard Show – No information available! Which probably means they haven’t thought of a premise yet.
8-9 Survivor – This episode features a tough immunity challenge. Hey, there’s a helpful description. So I guess the immunity challenge won’t be to pick which animal is a camel or eat an entire slice of pizza.
8-8:30 The Goldbergs – SEASON FINALE! Barry asks Lainey to the prom and Erica makes a decision about her future. Which is still technically our past. What’s the matter, did I just blow your mind?
9-9:30 Modern Family – SEASON FINALE! Mitchell sneaks out to a convention with Phil and Gloria’s dinosaur party is upstages by a neighbor. The stakes are high at the end of the year!
10-10:30 Archer: Danger Island – Archer keeps an eye out for a past nemesis. Oh, are we going to see the 1939 version of Barry? Also, I assume “keeps an eye out” is a hint that it’s the person responsible for him losing his eye. Neat!
10-11:20 The Americans – There’s a shocking revelation from Philip and then Stan plays a dangerous hunch. Oh, Stan. It’s so close to the end of the series. If you keep poking around, they’re going to kill you. Please, just leave things be!
10-10:30 Brockmire – Brockmire faces his family at his father’s funeral. It’s weird to think of him even having a family. I figure they must all talk like that. And probably all wear similarly loud clothing. Basically, I’m imagining a Multiplicity siutation.
8-9 Gotham – SEASON FINALE! Guys, this episode is titled “No Man’s Land” and we’ve already seen Ra’s al Ghul’s prophecy and the trailer shows Jeremiah blowing up the bridges. We should know whether this is renewed in the next couple of days, but it seems like they’re setting up the biggest Batman story ever and doing it without Batman. That is straight up bonkers and I love them for it. (UPDATE: It has been renewed and there was much rejoicing.)
9-11 American Ninja Warrior – It’s the All-Stars special, which I think is the one where each of the hosts picks a team and they compete for bragging rights. I could be wrong. Leave me alone.
8-10 MasterChef Junior – SEASON FINALE! A winner is revealed! But the season already peaked when the sisters had to compete against one another in an elimination challenge. I’ve already cried all my tears!
9-10 Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – SEASON FINALE! The team faces a decision that could cause the destruction of Earth, and we’ll see how they deal with the ending of Infinity War. These dudes are in an awkward position, to be sure.
So the Royal Wedding airs early this morning and also constantly. And while I’m not a Royal watcher, I’m fascinated that an actress from a USA drama is marrying into royalty. Also, and I like Meghan Markle a lot, if you’d asked five years ago which Suits cast member would become royalty, I think we all would have picked Abigail Spencer. Anyway, this morning and again at night, HBO is going to air coverage of the wedding hosted by Cord and Tish. Yes, Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon are reprising their characters who confused and angered viewers during the Rose Parade. This will be amazing.
11:30-1 am Saturday Night Live – SEASON FINALE! Tina Fey hosts! We love her! Sure, it may be a little awkward with NBC having just cancelled the show she’s producing, but I’m up for ninety minutes of Great News references.
7:30-8 Bob’s Burgers – Louise’s extensive card collection is confiscated at school, and I can’t even imagine what kind of cards she would collect. Animal facts? Baseball? This is fascinating!
8-8:30 The Simpsons – SEASON FINALE! Bart is struck by lightning and visited by ghosts seeking closure. That sounds weirdly dramatic. Do you think they’ll be actual characters who’ve died on the show? Maude Flanders, Bleeding Gums Murphy? Maybe Marvin Monroe and Dr. Nick. (Those two are inconclusive because they died but then sometimes still appear.) Obviously, Mrs. Krabappel and Phil Hartman’s characters are out of the mix because this show isn’t run by monsters. Man, I am projecting a lot onto this episode.
8:30-9 Brooklyn Nine-Nine – NETWORK FINALE! It’s Jake and Amy’s wedding! And man, has it been a whirlwind few days. FOX cancelled the show like the fools they are and a day later, NBC picked it up. I’m still mad at FOX, but we’ll save that for another day.
9:30-10 Bob’s Burgers – SEASON FINALE! A couple who fell in love at the restaurant ask Bob to cater their wedding. Aww. I mean, you know things will go badly just for the sake of having an episode, but that’s very sweet. Also, two weddings tonight!
8-9 Killing Eve – The situation in Moscow escalates and Eve is left wondering who she can trust. This show is very good and it is my hope for you that you watch it.
9-10 Fear the Walking Dead – Things take an unexpected turn at the Stadium. It’s a crossover with Brockmire! That’d be rad, right?
10-11 Into the Badlands – The Widow confronts a spectre from her past. And yes, they spelled it the British / DC Comics way.
11-12 am Talking Dead – A panel of guests discuss the new episode. This week’s panel: Peter DeLuise, Helen Mirren, and the Phillie Phanatic. (Panel subject to change because I just now made them up.)
9-10 Westworld – We finally see Shogun World! Also, there are a bunch of Westworld recaps coming your way this week. I’ve just had a hard time catching up and I’m bad at my job.
“Kids really are just tiny versions of dumb people, aren’t they?” — Jim Brockmire
“Give it another day and if you still hate it after that day you give it another day. And you keep going like that. Forever. That’s what working is.” — Linda Belcher