Hi all!

We’re headed into the low content time of year, so this is going to be a short schedule. I’m pretty geeked about some Christmas episodes and fall finales, and we get the premieres of Happy! and Top Chef, so I’m excited about that. By the end of the week I’ll be officially starting the 12 Days of Christmas Episodes, and that should be fun. So stick with us all month because not only do we have that, but we’re coming up on the Spunky Awards and our official best shows of the year. It’s the most magical time of the year!

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

MONDAY

ABC

8-10 The Great Christmas Light Fight – SEASON PREMIERE! The annual competition for the most garish holiday display begins. I’ll be honest with you, this show really bums me out. It’s the exact opposite of A Charlie Brown Christmas and sends a weird message.

FOX

9-10 The Gifted – The team develops a risky plan. That’s kind of their whole thing. It’s not like this show has so far focused on, like, letter-writing campaigns and online slacktivism. Help mutants by changing your profile picture!

 

TUESDAY

FOX

9:30-10 Brooklyn Nine-Nine – In the 99th episode of the Nine-Nine, the entire precinct attends a funeral in Los Angeles, Holt has a job interview, and Amy has to stay with a gang of Boyles. Man, ninety-nine episodes. Good job, guys! I’ll probably congratulate you next time on the one hundredth because schedules are hard to write and I’m lazy.

TRUTV

10:30-11 At Home with Amy Sedaris – No information available. There’s hardly anything on this week and you’re suddenly throwing me one of these? Come on TruTV, don’t let me down.

NETFLIX

Craig Ferguson: Tickle Fight – This week’s special! I miss Craig Ferguson so much. This should be great and probably super loose. Not a dude who goes up there with a carefully planned set, you know?

 

WEDNESDAY

CBS

8-9 Survivor – It’s the loved ones visit! And once again, I wonder who would visit me. My mom wouldn’t get on a plane, nor would Sam. I feel like it would probably be my sister, and everybody on the island would end up liking her better than me and these people with whom I’d spent weeks would then refer to me exclusively as “Jane’s Brother”.

ABC

8-8:30 The Goldbergs – Adam and Barry write a song about dads. Is it about how they walk around naked when you have friends over and bring home a surprising number of anti-Semitic pamphlets? Guys, my song about dads would probably be much different from theirs.

9-9:30 Modern Family – Phil goes camping alone to boost his confidence. You know what? After this many years, it’s become a show that makes me laugh really hard maybe once or twice an episode and then just kind of check out for the rest of it. It’s definitely coasting but you can always count on one just perfectly-structured joke or a great reaction or a weird line read.

SYFY

10-11 Happy! – SERIES PREMIERE! This should be fun. Based on the comic by Grant Morrison and Darick Robertson, Chris Meloni plays a former cop turned hit man who suddenly starts seeing a tiny flying blue horse (voiced by Patton Oswalt). It’s not my favorite Grant Morrison comic – in fact, it reads like either a parody of Garth Ennis or as the pitch for a TV show. But even lower-level Morrison is going to be weird and interesting and this seems like the right medium for it.

HULU

Shut Eye – The surprisingly enjoyable series about storefront psychics returns for a new season, this time with Aasif Mandvi joining the cast.

 

THURSDAY

FOX

8-9 GothamHoly smokes, gang. This is the fall finale and man, is it going wild. Carmine Falcone returns to Gotham, Gordon tries to solve the mystery of Professor Pyg’s past, Ed tries to unlock his own Riddler persona, Tabitha wants to fix Grundy and…. “a familiar smile resurfaces in Gotham”. Does this mean the return of possible proto-Joker Jerome? How are they possibly going to go bigger than they did last year? I can not wait and yet, after this, I’ll have to wait for weeks.

BRAVO

10-11:15 Top Chef – SEASON PREMIERE! I didn’t even there was a new season starting! This is very exciting! Looks like it’s set in Denver this year! I’m not doing any further research because I enjoy this show a lot and would like to be surprised.

 

FRIDAY

CW

8-9 Crazy Ex-Girlfriend – Rebecca continues her road to wellness, which is different from the road to Wellville in that there are fewer enemas. Look, I don’t know what to say about a musical comedy about a woman who attempted suicide. The dissonance is too jarring and so you get dumb jokes!

FOX

8-9 Hell’s Kitchen – OK, I’m just skipping the official listing this week because the ad clearly shows that Barbie is obsessed with chef’s table guest Cheryl Burke and Cheryl does not seem at all comfortable with that.

ABC

9-10 Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – Daisy has to risk everything to rescue Simmons. I haven’t seen the season premiere yet because I was out late on Friday but man, I missed these lunatics.

 

SATURDAY

NBC

11:30-1 am Saturday Night Live – James Franco hosts! I mean, he’s not the cast member of Disaster Artist I most want to see hosting SNL, but I bet he’ll be pretty great. (Nothing against Franco, you understand. But Alison Brie is in that movie and she’s always my top pick.)\

 

SUNDAY

FOX

8-8:30 The Simpsons – The town puts together a search party after Bart goes missing and even enlist Sideshow Bob to help. I mean, I guess he is the smartest man in town, but that still seems a little dangerous.

8:30-9:30 Bob’s Burgers – A one-hour Christmas special has the kids suspecting the anti-Santa after Linda’s ornaments are stolen. This show does such a good job with holiday episodes and getting a full hour for Christmas is their Christmas present to me.

AMC

9-10:30 The Walking Dead – Per AMC: “Every story and battle from the first half of the season comes crashing together in this action-packed, emotional mid-season finale”. Man, I’ve been doing this for a while now and I’ve never seen a listing where they tell you an episode is going to be action-packed, much less emotional. I’ll decide what’s emotional, AMC!

10:30-11:30 Talking Dead – A panel of guests discusses the new episode. This week’s panel: Bleeding Gums Murphy, Dr. Marvin Monroe, and Maude Flanders.

 

“Your father is your hero? You should aim higher, like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.” — Ruxin

 

“You have to treat the chickens pretty well because they’ve got a very tough union.” — Kermit the Frog\

 

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