So, this was a week, right? I think it was Andy Daly who said that an Elvis impersonator trying to kill the President was the least interesting story of the week. But I’m not any kind of commentator or person who knows facts about stuff. I’m just a guy who knows what’s on TV. So that’s what I’m here to tell you.
It’s a short schedule this week – we’re in that awkward pre-sweep period, so a lot of shows are saving new episodes. A lot of the short-run cable stuff wrapped up in the last few weeks, and we won’t really get a new batch of programming until after the network season ends. Theoretically, it means I’ll have time to watch this Game of Thrones box set. We’ll see how that pans out!
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 DANCING WITH THE STARS – Stevie Wonder performs for Stevie Wonder Night. It would have been awkward if they’d had to get somebody else – if Darius Rucker performed for Stevie Wonder Night, it would just be weird.
8-10 THE VOICE – Battle Rounds continue! It will never not crack me up that they actually do these in a boxing ring.
10-11 REVOLUTION – This is the episode originally scheduled to run last week. I have a hard enough time writing jokes about this show once, so you’re not getting a second one!
10-11 BATES MOTEL – Dylan asks Norman to move in with him, while Norma warns Emma that some things are best left to themselves. Does she do so with a pointed tone or with a horrifying object lesson that ends in tears? WHO CAN SAY?
8-9 THE VOICE – More Battle Rounds! I swear, if they don’t move on to the next phase soon, I’m just going to be stuck talking about how pretty Shakira is. And I’ve been talking about that on and off since 2002, so maybe it’s time to move on.
8-9 HELL’S KITCHEN – The chefs cook for Ramsay’s family, and also enter an animal pen to pick the protein they’ll be using in the challenge. This is only going to make me think about the time Shaq made fat kids chase chickens. Will anything ever bring me as much joy as Shaq’s Big Challenge did?
8-9 HART OF DIXIE – Lemon and Wade each think they know what is best for the Rammer Jammer. And I will giggle every time somebody says “Rammer Jammer”. I am ten.
9-10 DANCING WITH THE STARS – Elimination! Also will.i.am performs, and I’m sure glad Myndi is recapping this one. I want nothing to do with that guy.
10:30-11 THE JESELNIK OFFENSIVE – Season Finale! Reggie Watts and Kumail Nanjiani wrap up a season of panel! Kumail hosts a videogame podcast, so I feel like he gets me. Hopefully Anthony hits him with a serious Far Cry 3 burn!
8-9 SURVIVOR – It’s a food auction! Also, we’re apparently formalizing idiotic nicknames, because the actual listing mentions “the Three Amigos”. Which is better than “The Quack Pack” or “Stealth ‘R’ Us”, I guess.
8-9 ARROW – Deadshot returns toStarlingCity! My favorite villain on the show! Which isn’t saying much, because the other villains are just, as spunky Lenny put it “random Arrow murder victims”.
9-10 SUPERNATURAL – Felicia Day guest-stars as a hacker who learns how to be a hunter. I am still not convinced I know who Felicia Day is. She gets namechecked a lot, and I pretend to know what’s going on. I’m pretty sure she was in one of the Bring it On sequels, though,
8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – “The finalists perform for the judges”. You know, I read something about how the season is going to be short because the judges didn’t use the save, and that’s only valid until final five. That’s all I really have to say. Sorry!
10-11 THE AMERICANS – Elizabeth and Philip take increasingly greater risks – they’re hooked on the thrill, baby! Also, Stan’s case yields unexpected results, because Stan is intent on not surviving the season, that’s why!
8-8:30 COMMUNITY – Annie and Shirley try to bring Leonard down, while Troy and Abed re-enact a body switching film. First off, I really like the Annie/Shirley pairing. We don’t see it often, but they play off one another really well. Second, I bought no fewer than two magazines this week because Alison Brie was in them. She kept the print industry afloat for another week!
9-9:30 THE OFFICE – Dwight and Angela compete in a paper airplane contest, which is a weird way to wrap up their storyline. Also, “Jim and Pam use new skills”. Hopefully those skills include the ability to talk to one another like adults.
9:30-10 PARKS AND RECREATION – Ron submits budget cut proposals that upset Leslie, while Ben and Andy’s charity gets a big donation. You know, this series has done a fantastic job at incorporating Leslie’s new position in the City Council without breaking the show. Hey, all other shows! Watch and take notes!
8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – The contestants face elimination. That’s all it says! No news of former contestants coming back to sing. Nothin’. It’s going to be an hour of young people fretting.
9-10 GLEE – See, there’s a power outage so they sing acoustic numbers. And Sarah Jessica Parker is in it and it seems like they’d be handle a power outage two weeks after the gun incident. I just don’t know anymore, you guys.
9-11 PROJECT RUNWAY – Season Finale! How have I made it this far without noting that one of the finalists is named “Stanley Hudson”? Go on, picture Stanley from The Office on this show. I promise, you’ll be delighted.
12-12:15 am YOUR PRETTY FACE IS GOING TO HELL – I have no idea what this is! Everything I can find about it contradicts everything else, so I’ll just take one for the team, watch it, and report back.
8-9 HAPPY ENDINGS – Season Finale! Well, maybe. They might reschedule the episodes that were pre-empted last week. Nobody tells me anything, so get off my back! Penny’s mom and Dave’s dad decide to adopt a baby, and Jane plans her older sister’s wedding.
8-9 KITCHEN NIGHTMARES – Ramsay helps out at the Prohibition Grille. You can tell it’s fancy, because they add an “e” to “Grill”.
8-9 DOCTOR WHO – The Doctor has 30 minutes to find Clara, who’s trapped within the crashed TARDIS. Finally, payoff to the “TARDIS doesn’t like Clara” thing. And I say “finally” as if it’s been running for years. It’s been three episodes.
9-10 ORPHAN BLACK – No information available! I think they’re trying too hard to be mysterious!
10-11 NERDIST – This show continues to have my favorite guests. This week, it’s Rob Huebel, Paul Scheer, and Gillian Jacobs. That sounds like something I would be interested in watching.
8-8:30 THE SIMPSONS – Edward Norton asks Homer to be a church deacon, while Bart andFlanderstry to track down the missing Rev. Lovejoy. Is this the first time Norton’s been on the show? That’s hard to believe!
8:30-9 BOB’S BURGERS – Louise develops a crush on a singer and Gene enters a table-setting competition. Hee! It’s like a Bobby Hill plot!
8-9 THE AMAZING RACE – No information available! Clearly, they don’t realize that they’re competing with competitive table setting!
8-9 ONCE UPON A TIME – No information available!
8-11 DOCTOR WHO: THE DOCTORS REVISITED – This time, the Fourth Doctor, Tom Baker, is profiled. That man is beloved!
9-11 CELEBRITY APPRENTICE ALL-STARS – The teams make promotional videos to demonstrate entertainment systems. Hopefully, Trump will talk about his daughter being hot again. That’s always fun for everybody.
10-11 MAD MEN – It’s vague! Peggy makes plans for the future! Roger courts a potential client! It’s not much different from “no information available”, but at least they’re putting effort into it!
“Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I would do something if it helped someone do nothing. I’d work all night if it meant nothing got done.” – Ron Swanson
“With one-sixth gravity, you can work and be lazy at the same time! It’s like being a voice actor!” – Bender