It’s a big TV week this time. The main event is the series finale of Parks and Recreation, which is definitely going to make me cry. And then on Sunday, it’s the premiere of Last Man on Earth starring Will Forte. That will make me happy. It’s a real emotional roller coaster this week, I’ll tell you that.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-9 GOTHAM – Gordon and Bullock go after the Red Hood Gang. It’s kind of a new idea that Red Hood is a gang rather than a person, which is something I’ll talk about at length in the recap, most likely. Also, Selina and Barbara bond and it turns out I’m enjoying this storyline involving my least favorite characters more than I expected.
8-10 THE VOICE – Season Premiere! Blind auditions begin! That’s all the information in the official listing, so I can’t be expected to know more than that.
10-11 BETTER CALL SAUL – Jimmy devises a bold plan to get new clients but strains his relationships in the process. Pretty sure the default setting for his relationships is always “strained”. Also, I love how Jimmy can’t resist move quotes at completely inappropriate moments. I didn’t think there would ever be a time when “Here’s Johnny!” worked as a joke line again, but he pulled it off.
8-10 THE VOICE – More blind auditions. I’ve decided that T-Pain is one of the judges this year. That is almost definitely not true, but I feel like that would be a better world.
10-11 PARKS AND RECREATION – Series Finale! The gang completes one last task before leaving Pawnee. I’m going to be a wreck the whole time and I’m much too vulnerable to say good-bye to my favorite comedy. I’ll talk more about it later, I promise.
8-8:30 FRESH OFF THE BOAT – Terrible title, funny show. You should watch it. I’m too busy tearing up over Parks and Rec to say anything else.
9-10 AGENT CARTER – Season Finale! Peggy faces Leviathan’s fury to save Howard Stark and also the world. We know she succeeds because of all the movies!
8-9 MASTERCHEF JUNIOR – Season Finale! Two children face off in the Brawl to End ’em All! I believe this is Joe Bastianich’s last episode as a judge, too. Farewell, Joe. I’ll miss the Penance Stare most of all.
9-9:30 NEW GIRL – The apartment goes into lockdown when Schmidt sees a spider. Sure, I could make fun. But if we’re talking about a mouse, I feel like you’d be entirely justified in burning the place down and starting a new life elsewhere.
9:30-10 THE MINDY PROJECT – Danny agrees to stop smoking if Mindy eats healthy. Also, Jeremy tries to fill Peter’s spot at the practice. BUT NOT IN MY HEART!
10-11 JUSTIFIED – Raylan investigates a murder and Boyd revisits his mining days. I assume the murder victim is that guy Choo-Choo accidentally punched to death. We all agree that Choo-Choo is the best character of the year, right?
10:30-11 COUGAR TOWN – Ellie is offended that Laurie treats her baby like an accessory. As opposed to the way that Ellie completely ignored her child for the first four seasons. Also? Real talk here. I’m really not enjoying this season. I’ve liked it in the past, but it’s reached the point of diminishing returns.
10::30-11 KROLL SHOW – Bobby Bottleservice rebrands himself as a country star and Farley gives Ruth Diamond Phillips a makeover. Yes, Ruth Diamond Phillips. If you don’t think that’s amazing, we will never agree on anything.
8-9:30 SURVIVOR – Season Premiere! This is the “class warfare” season, which couldn’t possibly sound less appealing. Luckily, they usually bail on these themes by the time they shuffle the tribes, so hopefully we only have to get through a couple episodes of “collar” nonsense.
9:30-11 AMAZING RACE – Season Premiere! This season, some of the teams are people who are just meeting for the first time. I would assume they’re online daters and the like Or else Phil is just picking out strangers and putting them on a show together. It’s like the Blind Date episodes of Wipeout!
8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – The top 12 boys perform. Kevin studied the horse for any sign off offense, but those big brown eyes were inscrutable. Nibbles flicked his tail back and forth. Ultimately, Kevin decided to count that as a good sign.
9-10 EMPIRE – Cookie and Naomi Campbell face off, and Naomi’s already in a bad mood because they misspelled her name in the credits last week. Cookie’s taking a phone to the face!
8:30-9 THE GOLDBERGS – Barry plays sick to pull a Ferris Bueller but things go awry. As they did for Ferris, actually. He’s true to the character!
9-9:30 MODERN FAMILY – Claire gets into some online snooping while stuck at the airport. Wait, they were on a plane last week, too. Why is Claire traveling so much? What is she hiding from?
9:30-10 BLACK-ISH – Dre teaches his so how to trash talk. Man, you can’t go wrong with the taunts from Street Fighter 2. Attack me if you dare, I will crush you!
10-11 NASHVILLE – Edgehill Republic begins to fall apart due to Jeff’s indiscretions and Deacon considers a clinical trial. What if he’s in the control group and this storyline is six weeks of him taking sugar pills?
10-11 THE AMERICANS – Philip juggles the many women in his life and Elizabeth takes drastic measures to complete a mission. Have they ever had a mission that didn’t involve drastic measures? I mean, it would be boring if things just went off without a hitch, but they must have some clean missions.
10-10:30 IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA – Mac’s dad is a murder suspect so Mac sets out to clear his name. Oh, that guy is definitely guilty. Nobody doubts that, do they?
8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – The top 12 girls perform. The receptionist entered, holding a brush. “I’m sorry, it’s time for Nibbles’ afternoon grooming. Can I ask you to wait outside for just a minute?” Kevin nodded and left the room.
10-10:30 ARCHER – Archer meets Lana’s parents and ends up taking them on a high-speed chase. Weirdly, that’s the best possible way for him to make a good impression.
8-9 AMAZING RACE – The second episode in a week, airing in its regular time slot. And as always, “No information available”.
11-11:30 COMEDY BANG! BANG! – Jesse Tyler Ferguson of Modern Family is the main guest and we’ve also got Seth Morris as a cyborg rights activist. Also, Scott has a hard time balancing work and family. That’s why he’s always asking people – he needs advice!
11:30-12 am THE JACK AND TRIUMPH SHOW – Triumph and Jack start a new coffee business. I like that this show is committed to having plots rather than just having Jack McBrayer and Triumph interact for thirty minutes. I’d watch that, too.
11:30-1 am SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Dakota Johnson hosts. Man, I never thought we’d see the day when one of the stars of Ben and Kate would host… Wait, she was in what movie?
7:30-8 BOB’S BURGERS – Now seen at a new time! The kids compete to be Aunt Gayle’s companion for the evening. I know none of us are happy about 7:30, but at least it shouldn’t be pre-empted by sports all the time.
8-8:30 THE SIMPSONS – Homer keeps a Nigerian princess out of trouble while her father makes a deal with Mr. Burns. That doesn’t make any more sense to me than it did to you.
8:30-9 BROOKLYN NINE-NINE – It’s the big wedding – Gina’s mom and Boyle’s dad! That means more Stephen Root, and Stephen Root is the best our society has to offer.
9-10 THE LAST MAN ON EARTH – Series Premiere! Will Forte is the last human being on Earth, in a show from the creators of LEGO Movie and the Jump Street movies. I have no idea how it’s a sustainable premise, but it looks great. Watch it!
10-11 BATTLE CREEK – Series Premiere! This new show from Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan is set in the small Michigan city where they make cereal. I can’t remember the last time I was excited about a scripted series on CBS, but here we are.
9-10 THE WALKING DEAD – The group tries to get used to a new lifestyle. Does this new lifestyle include not being relentelessly grim all the time? Here’s hoping!
10-11 TALKING DEAD – People talk about the new episode. No idea which people. Nobody tells me anything!
“With one-sixth gravity, you can work and be lazy at the same time! It’s like being a voice actor!” — Bender
“If I increased the budged every time morale was low, the guys in my asbestos factory would be driving solid gold Cadillacs by now.” — Jimmy James