Hi all!

We’re into summer schedule mode.  However, we do have some premieres this week to keep us entertained.  Most important is Season Five of Venture Bros., premiering on Sunday.  I’m just delighted that I’ll be able to watch Mad Men and Venture Bros. on the same night!  It’s the most magical time of the year.

Even though it’s a short schedule this week, I won’t be including any Top Ten lists.  Partly because it’s a holiday weekend and I’m knocking off early, partly because Arrested Development hit Netflix and I’m freebasing it.  Also, it’s Birthday Week and I celebrate in my own way.  Well, technically it’s a week from Monday, but if I wait until then to put it in the schedule, then it’s going to really put a strain on your ability to get me a present in time.  You need a week’s notice!

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

MONDAY

NBC

8-10 THE VOICE – The Top Eight perform for the judges.  You know, I don’t watch this on any kind of a regular basis, but I was actually mad to find out Christina Aguilera was returning next season.  I remain on Team Shakira, now and forever.

10-11 REVOLUTION – Still not the season finale!  They’re going to take this show all the way through August!  Anyway, Rachel and Monroe face off, and then Miles and Monroe battle.  It’s a busy week for Monroe!

ABC

8-10 THE BACHELORETTE – Season Premiere!  Hey, this is happening again!  I always find the Bachelorette seasons to be less creepy, but they’re still not the opposite of creepy.

FOX

8:30-9 THE GOODWIN GAMES – I didn’t like the premiere all that much, but the cast is great and it’s summer.  What else are you gonna watch?  If they dial back on the unappealing premise, it might end up being fun.  Fingers crossed!

 

TUESDAY

FOX

8-10 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE – More auditions in an unnamed city.  Also, I don’t know if Jesse Tyler Ferguson actually knows anything about dancing, but he’s a hoot as a judge.  Yeah, I said “hoot”.  There’s no taking it back now.

ABC

8-10 EXTREME WEIGHT LOSS – Series Premiere!  I have nothing to say, but it’s a light week and people seem to like Biggest Loser.  This is like that, but it focuses on one or two people instead of turning weight loss into a sport.

NBC

9-10 THE VOICE – The voices face elimination.  It would be nice if they had guest performers to give me something to talk about.

COMEDY CENTRAL

10:30-11 INSIDE AMY SCHUMER – Well, this episode confirms that DirecTV will not allow the phrase “gang bang” in a listing.  It’s “Gang B…”  I should have noticed that when they told me TBS was running The Big B… Theory.  On a related note, this show is great.

 

WEDNESDAY

FOX

8-10 MASTERCHEF – We meet the final 19, and then they compete in a mystery box challenge.  This is my favorite of all the Gordon Ramsay shows, but I have nothing to say because I don’t know who the finalists are going to be.  Hopefully at least one crazy person makes it through.

 

THURSDAY

ABC

8-9 WIPEOUT – Another pairs episode, this time with bosses and their employees.  This requires a certain degree of familiarity and congeniality with one’s employer that I don’t thin I could ever possess.  (Recently, I ran into my boss in the hall and his small talk was “So, how’s the Batman franchise doing?”  Which is something I always want to talk about, but he clearly just saw my Batman mug and couldn’t think of any other facts about me.)

FOX

8-9 HELL’S KITCHEN – Gordon tests the chefs’ palates with a blind taste test.  This is always amazing because you’ll invariably get somebody who tastes turkey and is all “I don’t know. Grapes?”

 

SATURDAY

BBC AMERICA

9-10 ORPHAN BLACK – Season Finale!  Seriously?  No information available?  Again?  Look, without Doctor Who, there’s a lot of Saturday pressure on you.  Especially for the finale. Give me something to work with!

10-11 THE NERDIST – This week’s guests are Seth Rogan, Evan Goldberg, and Zach Galifianakis.  So, presumably they’re going to be talking about weed.

 

SUNDAY

AMC

8-10 THE KILLING – Season Premiere!  OK, the two season stringalong is finally behind us, and we’re done with the Larsen family once and for all.  Maybe we can get back to the bits that were so appealing in the first place.  Given that this show was canceled and then fought its way back onto the schedule, we owe it another shot.

10-11 MAD MEN – The agency works to keep a client, and Joan is caught off-guard.  Mad Men listings – keepin’ it vague since 2007!

ADULT SWIM

12-1 am THE VENTURE BROS. – Season Premiere!  That’s right.  A one-hour season premiere.  You know what?  We’ve earned it.  No description has been released, but the title is “What Color is Your Cleansuit?”  I am so excited about this.  And since it starts at midnight, technically it airs on my birthday.  Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer always get the best gifts!

“Hank, if there was ever a time in your life when I needed you to not be Hank, it’s now.” – Brock Samson

“Here’s a piece of advice, Brendon.  There is no such thing as psychology.  It’s all just made up crap.  They’re all con men.  All of them, even the women.  Just remember that when they tell you how screwed up you are.” – Coach McGuirk

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