Hi all!

Things are kind of weird. November is a sweeps month, which usually means a lot of TV events, and yet there really aren’t any big premieres this month. Next week is the launch of Disney+ and the TV show about the guy who isn’t Boba Fett, but this week is fairly sedate. Like a lukewarm bath.

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

MONDAY

ABC

8-10 Dancing with the Stars – It’s the Dance-Off! And despite efforts to fix it, the voting system is still badly broken. I will complain about Sean Spicer until he’s gone – not only should he not be there in the first place, but his scores are so far behind everybody else that he should have been sent packing weeks and weeks ago. It’s very frustrating.

HBO

9-10 His Dark Materials – SERIES PREMIERE! After a failed movie, it’s another attempt to adapt Philip Pullman’s fantasy series. I remember that polar bears are a key part of this, but I have no idea why. The fact that HBO is sticking it on Monday night means they may not have high hopes for this, but it’s probably worth checking out. (NOTE: I do not guarantee that it’s worth checking out.)

 

TUESDAY

ABC

8-10 The Little Mermaid Live! – OK, this is weird. It’s not actually a live action Little Mermaid. They’re mostly going to be showing the animated movie, but the musical numbers will be live action. Clearly, that’s the best way to present a movie. Also, it’s weird that the woman playing Ariel was also the voice of Moana. She’s already a Disney Princess – no double dipping!

NBC

9-10 This Is Us – Jack and Rebecca invite Randall’s new teacher to dinner. Is that a thing that people do? I’ve never had a teacher in my home! I know a couple of times a year people from the church would come over just to talk to the family and it was like a compulsory thing. And we’d go to the living room, which was only used for these family visiting events and confrontations. There’s your weekly insight into my childhood.

 

WEDNESDAY

CBS

8-9 Survivor – Not only is there no information available, but the guide I have lists this as a repeat, which I would say is definitely not true since they’ve never once run a repeat in the middle of the season.

FOX

8-10 The Masked Singer – Two hours this week since last week was pre-empted. And at this point, it’s been long enough that I can’t remember any of my guesses, except that Thingamajig is Victor Oladipo.

ABC

8-8:30 The Goldbergs – Murray tries to take Adam and Barry to Wrestlemania and it’s going to be fun to be reminded of all our favorite Eighties wrestlers who either died tragically young or turned out to be virulent racists.

8:30-9 Schooled – Lainey is asked to direct a musical production of The Lion King because this is an ABC show and it’s important to remind people of Disney properties.

9-9:30 Modern Family – Gloria tries to secretly baptize the twins and Cam fights a mascot. Not gonna lie, this sounds like the best episode in a long time.

9:30-10 Single Parents – How do they not promote this as the Stumptown lead-in with ads featuring real-life married couple Taran Killam and Cobie Smulders? Why is it up to me to give them this easy marketing idea?

10-11 Stumptown – Dex has to protect her ex from a stalker. So, my theory is that last week’s episode was intended as a series finale in the event that the show flopped – five episodes in and they wrapped up the subplots. I’m expecting to see a bunch of new arcs popping up over the next few weeks. I really like this show.

FXX

10-10:30 It’s Always Sunny in PhiladelphiaThe Gang tries to profit from global warming. I have to figure at least a few of them are climate change deniers. Man, I hope they never do a vaccinations episode. You just know Frank is an anti-vaxxer and that’s not going to go down easy.

10:30-11 Cake – It’s an anthology show with short segments varying wildly in quality. What am I supposed to say about it week after week?

 

THURSDAY

NBC

8:30-9 Perfect Harmony – Arthur adds a new singer to the choir and causes dissent. This show is fun and grumpy Bradley Whitford is a delight.

9-9:30 The Good Place – Oooh… I think I can give the actual listing without spoiling anything for my friends who are coming up on the end of Season Three. Chidi faces an ethical dilemma on the last day of the experiment. I’m not giving away anything, unless you haven’t made it far enough into the show to realize that Chidi sometimes faces ethical dilemmas.

CBS

8:30-9 The Unicorn – Wade visits a local hot spot to meet women in person. In my experience, meeting people in real life never works. I’m not more appealing when you can see and hear me!

CBS

10-11 Evil – Hey, why does every episode title have a number in it? This one is, in fact, only a number. “790”. They are definitely doing some kind of code of ARG, right? Do I need to set aside a lot of time to follow these threads? Must I break out my corkboard and red string again!

FX

10-10:30 Mr. Inbetween – Ray loses track of a child during a trip to the department store. Not in the wacky way, more in the harrowing way. This is another show that’s very good and nobody in my life watches it. I might have to take on new friends based solely on their viewing choices so I can cover these bases.

 

FRIDAY

LMN

8-10 Was I Really Kidnapped? – I don’t know what this is. I don’t know what “LMN” is. I refuse to learn anything about this topic, but that is a fantastic title.

NETFLIX

The Great British Baking Show: Holidays – Is it too early for a holiday special? Sure it is. Also, I don’t know if this is a holiday-themed competition or if the hosts just tell you about their plans for the holidays. I’ll watch it either way.

 

SUNDAY

FOX

8-8:30 The Simpsons – Marge discovers she’s a skilled lumberjack and moves to Portland. I feel like maybe one out of every three Simpsons listings sounds like I just put it together with Mad Libs.

8:30-9 Bless the Harts – Wayne enters a barbecue festival and nothing goes as planned. Look, that’s not necessarily a Bob’s Burgers plot, but it’s not not a Bob’s Burgers plot. Watch yourself, counselor.

9-9:30 Bob’s Burgers – Bob and Louise plan to host an exclusive screening of a Hawk & Chick movie at the restaurant. First, nice continuity. Second, I sure hope Hawk & Chick isn’t a FOX production, because we know how Disney feels about revival screenings and charity showings.

AMC

9-10:10 The Walking Dead – Carol and Darryl go on a mission together, marking a bold shift in storytelling to focusing on characters whose names I can remember.

HBO

9-10 Watchmen – A mysterious trillionaire has an offer, Angela goes to Looking Glass for help, and the guy who might or might not be Adrian Veidt trains two new servants. Another Phillips for the pile! And also, get ready for another 3000 word recap. That’s right, I’m back in business, baby!

10-10:30 Silicon ValleyThe team races to close a major deal and Dinesh considers being a better person. Maybe the kind of person who’s in an upcoming Marvel movie? Possibly playing Kingo? Guys? I’ve learned to trust the Marvel system and I’m sure they can crack Eternals, but there are so many stupid character names. Like, hey, Brian Tyree Henry is great but he’s also playing “Phastos”.

10:30-11 Mrs. Fletcher – Eve begins to explore her long-forgotten sexuality. Oh, I don’t like that way of referring to it. It sounds so depressing. Long-forgotten.

ADULT SWIM

11:30-12 am Rick and Morty – SEASON PREMIERE! Hey, new episodes! No information available, but my prediction is that it will be good and funny and the toxic segment of the fanbase is going to take everything Rick says as advice on how to live their lives and you’ll feel bad all week.

 

“Hey ladies, I am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level and I own a nice car though I do not currently have legal access to it. As you can see, I used to be in good shape.” — Coach McGuirk

“I can’t touch books! You know how afraid I am of paper cuts! They might as well make books out of knives!” — Randy Hickey

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