TV Shows on TV – Happiness is a Warm Schedule (January 23-29)

Hi all!

Big TV week this time out, with one of my favorite creators debuting a new show that, per the preview showing, is a little disappointing.  Also, one of my archenemies launches a show that looks really intriguing.  And they each have generic one-word titles.  What am I to do with this, I ask you? 

Before I get into it, here’s a recent story from my own life.  Like Machete, I don’t text.  I generally don’t read text messages, because I don’t want to encourage them.  But the other night I got a text that came through while I was using my phone so it popped up on my screen.  It came from a number that I didn’t know.  This is what it said (all typos and bad grammar intact):

“Next week IS the week I go to florida…  today is the 19^th next thursday is going to be the 26… now I feel overwhelmed again!  Thx a lot!lol this is my new ph… bet it doesn’t say my name does it?”

I don’t know anybody going to Florida, or who doesn’t use basic punctuation.  So I repond: “Who are you, mystery person?”

Their answer:  “U rsister… lol”

Now, my sister doesn’t text me, she doesn’t say “lol”, and she doesn’t spell “Your” as “Ur”.  So I sent her an e-mail, and she confirmed that she wasn’t the sender.  I responded via text:  “I think you have the wrong number, actually.  But I hope you have a good trip.”  Friendly, right? 

The response: “Bite me”.

This is what’s wrong with America.  People who can’t spell and can’t dial get angry at other people for their own mistakes.  Also, if there hasn’t been a romantic comedy about people who meet because somebody texted the wrong number, then Hollywood is really falling behind on its terrible Katherine Heigl movies.  Also, I totally call that idea!

Here’s what you’ll be watching this week:

MONDAY

FOX

8-9 HOUSE – This week’s patient is an Alzheimer’s victim with a violent temper.  So, I’m a total House fan, but this season has really seemed like they’re kind of marking time.  I don’t really see a character arc that’s driving the season, and there’s sort of a “one foot in front of the other” feel to the whole thing.  Which is not to say there’s anything wrong with the individual episodes – they just don’t feel like part of a larger whole.  Of course, this may be deliberate, since the promo image for the season was the hash marks on the wall of House’s cell, marking off the day of his prison term.  It is also possible that I put more thought into House than several people who actually work on the show.

9-10 ALCATRAZ – So, I have actually received multiple requests to start recapping this show.  Not to brag, but I’m talking double digits here.  Barely, but still – double digits.  So that should start happening soon.  I am giving the people what they want!  Anyway, this week, the team races to capture a child killer.  I assume it’s a killer of children, and not a child who is also a killer.  The latter would be pretty great, though.

ABC

8-10 THE BACHELOR – Ben takes eight lucky ladies horseback riding.  I love that they have to actually tell us that the ladies in question are, in fact, lucky.  Actually, the use of that word and the horse angle makes me think this is actually a promo for HBO’s upcoming Luck.  It probably isn’t, though.

CW

9-10 HART OF DIXIE – Zoe learns she’s a legacy to the Bluebell Belles and Lemon puts her through a humiliating initiation.  Last week, I requested that this show be slightly more like Gilmore Girls, and now they’ve got a Daughters of the American Revolution-style society.  I feel catered to.

 

TUESDAY

Today is mostly repeats from eight to nine, and then it’s the 2012 State of the Union Address.  So don’t expect much from the networks tonight.  Unless, you know, you’re really into news and facts and stuff.

DISCOVERY

9-10 DIRTY JOBS – A clip show!  Man, they do at least one of these every season, and the seasons keep getting shorter.  In two years, they’re going to have a clip show of the best clip shows.

FX

10-11 JUSTIFIED – Raylan has to work with a woman from his past (the awesome Carla Gugino), while Boyd engineers a showdown with Dickie Bennett.  I love that the Bennetts are still a going concern.  Actually, I love most things about Justified.

 

WEDNESDAY

FOX

8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – Auditions in Aspen.  Since I don’t care about Idol, here’s a story aboutAspen.  When Hunter S. Thompson died, as part of the funeral proceedings, his ashes were fired out of a cannon during a fireworks display.  The headline in the local paper the next day was “Thompson Canonized”.  I love that.  By the way, the rest of the networks are mostly repeats tonight.  I don’t know why.  They didn’t consult with me, OK?

9-10 TOUCH – Series Premiere!  Kiefer Sutherland returns to TV as a widower who learns that his autistic son can predict the future.  It’s potentially interesting, but bear in mind that the series was created by Heroes creator Tim Kring.  At one time, that would have been a positive, but I still suffer the scars of Season Four.

BRAVO

10-11 TOP CHEF: TEXAS– The Chefs compete at a block party, which is all well and good, except that it means we’re going to see more Texans.  I have nothing against Texas in general, but this show seems intent on finding only the most stereotypical Texans.  I assume six-shooters will be fired into the air.  Also, Cat Cora is the guest judge.  Ask my sister about her…

 

THURSDAY

NBC

8-8:30 30 ROCK – Tracy’s pro-idiot protest rages on, while Jack does battle with Devin Banks once again.  Yes, that makes a Will Arnett guest appearance which means all is right with the world.  (Well, except for the lack of Community.  But let’s not get into that again.)

8:30-9 PARKS AND RECREATION – Responding to feedback from a focus group, Leslie and Ben plan a casual bowling party.  Which means another chance for Ben to try and seem like a regular guy!  Also, April, Jerry, and Chris compete to see who can raise the most campaign funds.  Given April’s aversion to effort, and the fact that Jerry is Jerry, that doesn’t seem like much of a contest.

9-9:30 30 ROCK – Second episode tonight!  Why is there no Office tonight?  Did they have a hard time coming up with yet another place for them to go rather than actually being in the titular setting?  Regardless, the important think is that Tracy and Jenna get a job entertaining at a bar mitzvah.  Oooh, an early entrant for next year’s “Best Bar Mitzvah” Spunky Award.

9:30-10 UP ALL NIGHT – Hey, it’s a repeat!  But if you only started watching it in the new time slot, then it’s new to you.  (Remember when NBC actually used that slogan to promote repeats?)  It’s the episode that introduces Jason Lee’s character – it’s a good one!

FOX

8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – Auditions in Galveston, Texas.  I suspect it will make Top Chef’s portrayal of Texans look subtle and evenhanded.

ABC

8-9 WIPEOUT – So, there are currently 20 episodes of Wipeout on my DVR.  I can not decide if that’s awesome or sad.  Either way, I actually have to go through them and determine which ones I need to keep.  (I have to keep any episode with a contestant who has sent me e-mail or any episode where Jill looks especially pretty.)

9-10 GREY’S ANATOMY – Somebody complained that I don’t list this show anymore, and that’s because I forgot it’s a thing.  Also, the listings don’t make sense to me so it’s hard to write jokes.  It was much easier when Katherine Heigl was on the show and committed so hard to being unlikable.  Anyway, this is a new episode.

CBS

8-8:30 THE BIG BANG THEORY – Man, people did not like last week’s 100^th episode.  This week, Raj bonds with his phone’s virtual assistant which is one of the reasons I will never have an iPhone.  I don’t need my healthiest relationship to be with Siri!

LIFETIME

9-10 PROJECT RUNWAY ALL-STARS – The designers have six hours to create a look for Miranda Kerr, one of the few models I know by name.  Also, increased exposure is not making me like Kensie any better. 

FX

10-10:30 ARCHER – Cyril is promoted to field agent and Mallory institutes a strict drug-testing policy.  It seems like neither of those things can possibly have a positive outcome. 

 

FRIDAY

NBC

8-10 CHUCK – Series Finale!  It’s Chuck vs. Nicholas Quinn and a brainwashed Sarah for all the marbles.  I’ve complained about this season before, but the last couple of episodes were quite good, and it looks like they could go out on a high note after all.  Best of luck, Mr. Bartowski!

FOX

8-9 KITCHEN NIGHTMARES – Another “Revisited” episode.  You know, lately there’ve been a lot of episodes that end with the reveal that the restaurant went out of business anyway.  This could make for some bleak return trips. 

9-10 FRINGE – Olivia copes with an ominous warning from the Observers.  Also, the team tracks a girl with the ability to predict death.  Maybe keep her away from Olivia, you know?

IFC

10-10:30 PORTLANDIA – Brendan and Michelle try to get their son into a prestigious school.  They say “Brendan and Michelle” like they’re established characters.  Come on, we call everybody “Fred and Carrie”.  Giving them other names just confuses the issue.

10:30-11 THE INCREASINGLY POOR DECISIONS OF TODD MARGARET – Todd seeks refuge in a pub and participates in a bachelorette party.  It doesn’t specifically say that things go awry, but I think it’s implied.

 

SATURDAY

ABC

9-11 BLADES OF GLORY – Just pointing out that this is on, because it includes Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Amy Poehler in the cast.  Also, the last time I got drunk at home, I became obsessed with the question of whether or not I owned this DVD, and then when I couldn’t find it, I started wondering if I loaned it to somebody.  Calls were nearly made.

SCIENCE

10-11 AN IDIOT ABROAD — This week, Karl rides the Trans-Siberian Express and has the potential to be buried alive.  I love that there’s really just the thinnest pretense of a premise this time – it’s actually just “We’re going to make Karl do stuff”.  And the bungee jump from four feet up?  The best thing!

 

SUNDAY

ABC

8-9 ONCE UPON A TIME – Sidney and Emma try to expose Regina’s corrupt ways, while King Leopold gets three wishes.  Dude – remember to wish for a million wishes.  Nobody ever thinks of that loophole!

FOX

8-8:30 THE SIMPSONS – I am not kidding when I tell you that this is an episode devoted to Moe’s bar rag.  There are two ways that this can play out, and one of them is “The Best Thing Ever”.

HBO

9-10 LUCK – Series Premiere!  It’s the new show from David Deadwood Milch!  The pilot actually aired as a special and, well, it is no Deadwood.  It has potential – if we view the pilot as a statement of intent / infodump, they might just be getting all of that out of the way before it gets awesome.  Milch hasn’t let me down yet, so I’m hopeful.

“Here’s the thing, Batman.  There’s a lot of people out there, people who believe in you.  Real or not, what you do in here matters.” – Ambush Bug

“It’s true, I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign managers.  So what?  Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional assassins?  No, they’re committed by close friends and co-workers!  That analogy was way better in my head.” – Leslie Knope

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