TV Shows on TV – Man, Thy Name is Schedule (August 1-7)

Hi all!

If you’re like me, you had a crummy week in which your car very nearly committed suicide.  Thus, you have my sympathies.  Because brother, I’m like me and this was not a week where that worked out at all.  Luckily, TV is here to heal the pain and forestall complete emotional collapse.  After all, there’s a new season of Project Runway – that has to count for something, right?

And remember – Tuesday is the DVD release of Eastbound and Down Season Two.  Since it’s a short season, even a dude with a busted car can afford it.  And it’s awesome.  You should watch it so that we have something to talk about during awkward silences.  Of which there will be many.

Here’s what you’ll be watching this week!

MONDAY

FOX

8-9 HELL’S KITCHEN – Seriously, these people are terrible.  You have to admire Krupa, though – she hasn’t done that well up to this point, but she knew that risotto and beef Wellington would be on the menu, so she learned how to make those things.  How does everybody not learn those two items before they come on the show?

9-10 MASTERCHEF – OK, every week they act like Monday’s going to be a new episode right up until the last minute, and then it’s a repeat.  I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

ABC

8-11 THE BACHELORETTE – Season Finale!  The two remaining bachelors meet Ashley’s annoying and desperate family.  And then there’s a “winner”, and then Chris Harrison talks to Ashley for an hour.  And then we as a people never need to think about her again!  Won’t that be nice?

 

TUESDAY

ABC

8-9 WIPEOUT – One of the contestants this time is “a retired rock star”.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if it’s actually somebody famous?  Like Steve Perry?  Man, do I want to see that guy get punched in the face with a giant boxing glove.

9-10 TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN – Series Premiere!  This actually sounds kind of cool.  A pair of contestants get a briefcase containing $100,000.  If they can hide if from two police detectives for 48 hours (I think), they keep the money.  I think I’ll watch this one – it sounds interesting and I’m already thinking about where I would hide a money briefcase.

FOX

8-9 HELL’S KITCHEN – Do you remember years ago when this show was only on once a week?  What did we do then?  We were living like animals!

9-10 MASTERCHEF – OK, this on is definitely a new episode.  Let’s see if Graham has to awkwardly plug their MasterChef line of cooking products again.  Clearly Gordon and Joe wanted nothing to do with this, and poor Graham got the shaft.

 

WEDNESDAY

CBS

8-9 BIG BROTHER – Veto Competition!  Just as long as Jeff and Jordan don’t end up nominated, I’m ready for anything.  I’m a single issue activist this season.

FOX

8-10 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE – Guest judges are Christina Applegate (who I like, but won’t go out of my way to watch), and Lil’ C (who I have never heard of).  Come on, SYTYCD – I only watch you when I like the guest judge.  Let’s get Tom Waits or Ian McShane in there!

FX

10-11 RESCUE ME – A controlled interview ends in a full-scale brawl.  Oh, let’s not even pretend they thought there was any other way that could have played out.  You clearly did not to your homework, interviewer!

COMEDY CENTRAL

10:30-11 JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN – This week, Jon talks to a Broadway producer while his van is being towed.  Also, I think David Cross guest-stars this week, based on the bit that they showed on Conan’s show.  It’s a Freak Show reunion! 

 

THURSDAY

ABC

8-9 WIPEOUT – This episode is primarily notable because of how badly the listing misspells “kindergarten”.  Also, sometimes it sets in that we are down to only a handful of Jill Wagner episodes.  We’ll get through this together.

FOX

8-9 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE – Two people are voted off, and Pia Toscano performs.  I know her because she performed on a Dancing with the Stars results show, but that’s all I’ve got.  Who am I,Stanley Google? 

CBS

9-10 BIG BROTHER – Live eviction show!  Julie Chen has been kind of funny in her interviews this season, which is rare.  She’s been doing this for long enough that she’s comfortable just telling people when they’re being stupid.  She’s hooked up with the president of the network – she doesn’t have to pretend to care!

USA

9-10 BIG BROTHER – Michael and Sam retrieve a boy from an armed compound, while Fiona and Jesse babysit.  Go on, guess which one is the A plot and which is the B plot….

LIFETIME

9-10:30 PROJECT RUNWAY – New season is officially awesome.  They’ve got a good line-up this season, and I can’t immediately tell who’s going to be difficult, which is a good thing.  There’s not an obvious “villain” right off the bat.  And that woman who only learned to sew four months ago?  Fantastic!

COMEDY CENTRAL

10-10:30 FUTURAMA – Leela hunts down a mysterious four-dimensional space whale.  That sounds promising, but get ready for the title.  Are you ready?  “Mobius Dick”.  Folks, it’s time for pun-based titles to retire, because nobody’s going to beat this one.

FX

10:30-11 LOUIE – Louie remembers his past failures and tries to get concert tickets for his daughter.  Hey, maybe this one will break my heart less than last week’s episode!  Maybe.

CARTOON NETWORK

12-12:15 amCHILDRENSHOSPITAL– This week’s title is “Munch by Proxy”.  I have no idea what that means, but it will almost certainly be hilarious. 

12:15-12:30 amNTSF:SD:SUV:: — Trent’s ex-wife comes back to plague him.  So, the first episode was pretty great.  But then the second one added Martin Starr (of Party Down and Freaks and Geeks) and Peter Serafinowicz (Look Around You and Running Wilde) to the cast.  Awesome, right?  I can’t really ask for more than that.

 

FRIDAY

NBC

8-9 FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS – Series Premiere!  Huh.  This appears to be a half-hour sitcom with the same title as a recent movie release getting burned off during the summer.  That’s weird, right?  It stars Party Down’s Ryan Hansen, so it’s got that in its favor, but the existence of this as a thing is really strange.

 

SUNDAY

CBS

8-9 BIG BROTHER – Nominations!  Based on this Sunday’s episode, it appears that somebody came between Rachel and her man, which they were expressly told not to do.  At length.

AMC

10-11 BREAKING BAD – The Cartel gains the upper hand.  Word of warning – if you’re up against something called the Cartel, they are going to end up with the upper hand.  Question – Were the songs playing on Jesse’s stereo last week real, or were they written for the show?  Because if that song where the lyrics seem to be somebody saying “Money” over and over a thousand times is real, I would probably order it on iTunes.

HBO

10-10:35 CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM – Larry has a confrontation in a buffet line, which I think has happened to all of us.  And by “all of us”, I mean “a surprising number of my uncles”.

CARTOON NETWORK

12:30-1 amTHE VENTURE BROS. – “The Lepidopterists”.  Oh man, this one has Mr. Doe and Mr. Cardholder, Number One, and the pirate captain gets addicted to tranquilizer darts.  Plus, the Monarch vs. Jonas Jr. in a surprisingly one-sided battle!  It’s awesome!

 

Ever yours,

Ook Ook

 

“Don’t shoot me, shoot him!  He’s white and he’s out of ammo!” – Ben Chang

“I’m all for ladies’ wrestling.  Except when they do it in pudding.  That’s just demeaning to the human beings who make pudding.” – Bill Dauterive

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