TV Shows on TV – Quincentennial Schedule (February 13-19)

Hi all!

OK, we have a big TV week.  Not only do we get the 500^th episode of The Simpsons, but there are season premieres galore.  Eastbound and Down, Cougar Town, Survivor, and Celebrity Apprentice all start this week.  The awesomeness of having Kenny Powers back sort of mitigates the fact that we’re stuck with Trump for another season.  Also, it’s the US premiere of Ricky Gervais’ new show.  It’s a good week!

But first, there’s a resolution to my text message saga.  If you’ve read previous schedules, you know that somebody who claims to be my sister keeps sending me bizarre messages.  Since she’s not my sister, I keep telling her that she has the wrong number, and she keeps saying “Bite Me”.  I really can’t tell whether she’s just mad at me because she made a mistake, or she things her sibling is making a really weird joke.

First, she send me pictures from her Florida vacation (from her first message), including a picture of her feet captioned “Wish you were here”, which is weird.  Right?  I didn’t respond to those, though.  But last week, I got another text.  She wrote “How are you feeling?  Mom said that you are not feeling well?”  So I replied – “I know you’re just going to say ‘bite me’, but you have the wrong number.”

Two messages in response – first, “lol”.  Second “Glad to see u still have your sense of humor”.  So clearly, she’s been thinking that I’m actually her sibling and I’ve been joking around for weeks.  I didn’t respond because I ran out of things to say.  Shortly thereafter, she called my phone.  Just to put it to rest, I answered the phone by saying “Hello, this is EJ Feddes and my sister’s name is Jane.”  You know, to put it out there.  She hung up without a word.  Later, she texted me to apologize and acknowledge that she had the wrong number all along.  I wished her well, and she responded with “Bite me… lol”.  Which is pretty funny, actually.  My point is, this is now my healthiest relationship.

Here’s what you’ll be watching this week!

MONDAY

FOX

8-9 HOUSE – Chase bonds with a nun who’s on the verge of making her vows.  And in case you didn’t hear, they announced at the end of last week that this would be the final season of the show.  This is sad, but considering it almost didn’t get renewed for this season, I’m just pleased that they get to choose to end it and have the ability to do an actual finale.  (I am still bitter about Deadwood.)

9-10ALCATRAZ– The team tries to track down an actual mad bomber!  Meanwhile, I thought I’d get caught up on recaps this weekend so I could be current, and I failed miserable.  The EJ of the present has no regard for the EJ of two days in the future.  That dude’s a jerk, right?

NBC

8-10 THE VOICE – More auditions!  That’s all I have to work with, unless I talk about Christina’s cleavage.  (For the record, I am usually pro-cleavage unless there are visible veins.  Once that happens, let’s raise that neckline a tad.)

CBS

8-8:30 HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER – Hey, a Valentine’s Day episode.  Reminding me once again that I’m dead inside.  Sigh.

ABC

8-10 THE BACHELOR – And speaking of dead inside…  Fine.  They go toBelizeand explore Mayan ruins.  I don’t think they’ll necessarily “explore” so much as “walk around and pretend to have feelings about things”.

CW

9-10 HART OF DIXIE – Wade talks Lemon into participating in a scheme.  I love when people on TV have schemes – it so rarely happens in real life.

 

TUESDAY

FOX

8-9 GLEE – The glee club performs love songs.  Also, Rachel’s fathers appear on the show, played by different people than on the picture we’ve always seen of them.  At this point, the show is an endurance contest, and I’m not going to let it win!

9-9:30 NEW GIRL – Schmidt plays wingman for Jess, which should be fantastic.  Hey, I don’t know if I’ve told this story in this space before, but my friend Sean often claims to be a skilled wingman.  At a New Year’s Eve party, a woman sat next to me and we were talking.  Sean thought he’d be helpful, so he walked up to her and said “You’re in my seat”.  And he honestly thought that was helping. 

9:30-10 RAISING HOPE – Jimmy tries to make Sabrina jealous with a fake girlfriend from his improv class.  The only problem I can see with that is that she has to introduce a new object to every conversation before she can speak.  (This may be a specific thing that only my improv group does, in which case an already limited-appeal joke is now only going out to Sam.)

ABC

8:30-9 COUGARTOWN– Season Premiere!  Somewhere, Abed is very happy.  As am I, but then, Abed and I tend to be in emotional lockstep.  I’ll admit, that’s not healthy.

NBC

10-11 PARENTHOOD – Julia tries to keeps from getting too involved with Zoe.  You know, just knowing Zoe makes you “too involved”.  She needs to be kept away from people.  Also, Max tries to use his Asperger’s to get out of PE class, which is amazing. 

DISCOVERY

9-10 DIRTY JOBS – Hey, it’s an episode that’s not a clip show, as Mike processes onions.  I assume that next week’s episode will be made up of clips from this episode.

FX

10-11 JUSTIFIED – Raylan has to save Dewey Crowe from a gang of organ harvesters.  Oh man.  I can already tell this is going to be a good one.  Dewey makes everything better.

 

WEDNESDAY

CBS

8-9 SURVIVOR – Season Premiere!  Was this season really underpromoted?  Because I am surprised to see it on the schedule.  At least there aren’t any returning players this year.  I hope not, at least. 

FOX

8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – Part 3 of the Hollywood round!  I don’t know if that warrants an exclamation point or not.  If this goes to a fourth part, I’ll use a period and make everybody happy.

ABC

9-9:30 MODERN FAMILY – Phil celebrates selling a house, and when he and Claire plan a celebratory dinner, thinks get weird.  Man, that could go in a whole bunch of different ways.

9:30-10 HAPPY ENDINGS – Max wonders if he’s good enough for his boyfriend.  You know, I love Max, but he probably isn’t.  The dude’s kind of awful. 

10-11 REVENGE – The long-awaited engagement party!  Also, “Emily’s vendetta takes a dark turn” – because it’s been all fun and games up to this point.  It’s been more of a zany vendetta than anything.

BRAVO

10-11 TOP CHEF:TEXAS– No information available!  It might be the finale?  Maybe?  I can’t tell without my precious listings!  I needs my precious!

 

THURSDAY

NBC

8-8:30 30 ROCK – Wow, 30 Rock pretty much incorporates every crazy thing its cast does during the off-season.  Case in point:  This week, Jack decides to run for Mayor of New York City.  He’ll be getting kicked off an airplane before the season is over.  Also, Jenna and Paul try acting like an average couple, which means more Will Forte!

8:30-9PARKSAND RECREATION – Are you sitting down?  You really should sit down, because of how awesome this is.  Louis C.K. returns!  Yes, Officer Dave visits Pawnee, and I can’t wait to see him interact with Ben.  And even though there’s less of a storytelling reason to do so, I really hope that Louis and Rob Lowe get a scene together.  That would delight me to no end.

9-9:30 THE OFFICE – Dwight tries to impress Sabre’s special projects president.  I like this storyline – it mixes things up a bit.  I approve.  I realized that they weren’t specifically seeking my approval, but I grant it anyway.  Carry on, show.

9:30-10 UP ALL NIGHT – Reagan and Chris travel with Amy for the first time, while Ava officiates Alanis Morissette’s wedding.  Aw, she and Dave Coulier worked it out!  Shut up – that would have killed on I Love the Nineties.

ABC

8-9 WIPEOUT – Yay, Wipeout!  I haven’t mentioned how much I miss Jill lately, but I still do miss her.  So much. 

CBS

8-8:30 THE BIG BANG THEORY – Sheldon and Kripke compete for a corner office.  Hooray for guest star John Ross Bowie!  I like that guy – mostly the Ford videos with Doug the Orange Spokespuppet and his role on Childrens Hospital as Dr. Max Von Sydow.  Man, this schedule is turning into me just pointing out what I know people from.

9-10 PERSON OF INTEREST – Reese investigates a smuggling ring.  That’s really more Hardy Boys territory, bro.

FOX

8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – This episode is a “Performance Challenge”.  Which is theoretically what all of the episodes are. 

LIFETIME

9-10 PROJECT RUNWAY ALL-STARS – The designers create a look for a Broadway musical.  Wait, they’re doing a musical and Chris March wasn’t invited to this season?  I realize he’s more off-Broadway, but still!

FX

10-10:30 ARCHER – Mallory needs help from Lana and Archer after a scandal with the Italian Prime Minister.  Man, Mallory gets around.  Hey, here’s a fun fact – the guy who does the voice of Krieger is also the visual basis for the character of Ray Gillette.  I don’t know what you’re expected to do with this fact, but I expect it to be cited.

CARTOON NETWORK

12-12:30 am DELOCATED – Jon becomes a celebrity chef when he starts cooking in his sleep.  Meanwhile, in the surprisingly violent side plot, the Wang Chos want more protection money.  Did everybody see the Subway ad starring Jon?  The one where he’s in character?  Did I dream that?

 

FRIDAY

FOX

8-9 KITCHEN NIGHTMARES – Chef Ramsay goes to Charlie’s to update the bland and unoriginal menu.  Ooh, I hope there’s a set-in-his-ways manager who doesn’t see the need for change.  Dare to dream!

9-10 FRINGE – The team investigates a mentally ill patient who’s connected to a series of murders.  You know, when somebody’s connected to a series of murders, the “mentally ill” part is kind of assumed.

IFC

10-10:30 PORTLANDIA – A biker makes Nance and Peter feel old.  I feel like there should be a support group for people who don’t get this show.  I liked the first season just fine, but this season has been kind of a struggle for me.  But if you say that, people will tell you that you’re wrong.  My friend Sean (the one who’s a terrible wingman) once made a weird joke and then said “It’s more of a vibe than a joke”, and that’s kind of how I feel about this season. 

 

SATURDAY

NBC

11:30-1 am SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Maya Rudolph hosts.  Not great timing for that, to be honest.  Not as bad as it would have been this last Saturday, though…

SCIENCE

10-11 AN IDIOT ABROAD – Karl visits a family with a pet hippo and comes face-to-face with a gorilla.  Fans of The Ricky Gervais Show know just how much Karl loves primates, so this should be great.

 

SUNDAY

FOX

8-8:30 THE SIMPSONS – 500^th Episode!  The Simpsons are kicked out of Springfield and set up in a new community.  500 episodes, you guys!  I feel like they should be making a bigger deal out of this, you know?  That’s a big number!  And I’ve watched them all, bro.

CBS

8-9 THE AMAZING RACE – Season Premiere!  Not going to lie, I really don’t want to deal with Rachel and Brendon for an entire season.  Fingers crossed that they lose their passports on the first leg!

ABC

8-9 ONCE UPON A TIME – David tells Kathryn about his relationship with Mary Margaret.  That’ll go well, right?  I can’t see any negative consequences to that.  At this point, every episode could just be the Queen threatening people for an hour and I’d watch the heck out of it.

NBC

9-11 CELEBRITY APPRENTICE – Season Premiere!  Oh, it’s like Christmas all over again.  Another season of the weirdest reality show on network TV.  Hope you guys like 8000 word recaps, because those are happening.  Anyway, for their first task, each team creates a sandwich.  Because nothing’s more appetizing than Penn Jillette handing you food.  (Early warning for the season – I totally hate that guy.)

HBO

9-10 LUCK – Jerry’s partners try to keep him from his poker nemesis.  Dude, at some point, they have to expect that Jerry can’t really be salvaged.  Pin twenty dollars to his jacket and send him on his way.

10-10:30 EASTBOUND AND DOWN – Season Premiere!  Kenny Powers resurrects his baseball career inMyrtle Beach and reconnects with April.  Not even making any jokes here – I am just freaking out with joy over a new season.

10:30-11 LIFE’S TOO SHORT – Series Premiere!  The new show from Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant has the guys playing themselves and helping Warwick Davis with his career.  It sounds a little schticky, but they’ve earned my trust by now.  Also this week, Liam Neeson pitches himself to Ricky as a comedic actor.  Who saw that bit on The Soup where he just turned on a local reporter who didn’t watch The Grey?  Awesome.

“My great-grandfather was nuts for skating.  That and the Klan.” – Cheryl Tunt

“Michael, you are quite the cupid.  You can stick an arrow in my buttocks any time.” – Tobias Funke

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