TV Shows on TV – The Schedule Protection Program (Jan. 30 – Feb. 5)

Hi all!

It’s Super Bowl week!  However, I don’t know anything about football, so I’m not going to insult your intelligence by quickly learning one fact and then pretending that I have something interesting to say.  And in my book, the big news for the week is the season premiere of Delocated on Thursday night.  It’s like my Super Bowl. 

Last week, I wrote about a person who was mistakenly sending me text messages and then got angry at me because she dialed the wrong number.  Well, she’s back!  Monday, just when I started feeling guilty about publicly posting another person’s texts, I got another message.

“Mom asked if u and I wanted to give Phyllis some of her fave choc for her bday wed… im going to try and remember to call her”.

Obvious issues of spelling and grammar aside, how is it somebody who considers text messaging a viable form of communication also knows somebody named “Phyllis”?  If you’re in, say, your early 20s and you know somebody named “Phyllis”, she is probably seventy and you really should be polite and call her “Mrs. TerHaar”.  Before I could respond, another message came through.

“Apparently mom wanted to do something but didnt want to set a precedent… lol”.

Of everything that she misspelled, she somehow managed to stick the landing on “precedent”.  Anyway, I wrote back “I think you have the wrong number”.  Would you care to guess how she responded?

“Bite me”.

Yep.  Young people today make me sad.

Here’s what you’ll be watching this week!

 

MONDAY

FOX

8-9 HOUSE – The team need adult consent for invasive surgery on a homeless teen, while House threatens Foreman’s relationship with a married woman.  Gotta say, I think House actually has the moral high ground on that one.  Don’t worry – he’ll squander it.

9-10 ALCATRAZ– A notorious bank robber robs a bank (which makes sense), and Rebecca has to deal with the situation before his identity is discovered.  And hey, the bank robber is played by Eric Johnson, who was Flash Gordon in the Sci-Fi Channel’s short-lived reboot.  (Back when they had their old name, so I’m technically correct.)  Also, look for the first Alcatraz recap on Tuesday!  I’ll have to double up for a couple of weeks to catch up, but I am willing to do that for you.  Because I love you.

ABC

8-10 THE BACHELOR – Ben and the bachelorettes travel toPuerto Rico, and Courtney tries to get Ben to go skinny dipping.  Don’t do it, Ben!  It’s a ruse!  They’ll steal your clothes and leave you looking like a dope.  Except for how you started out looking like a dope.  Carry on, I guess.

CW

9-10 HART OF DIXIE – Zoe’s unusually cheerful demeanor confuses her friends, while Lemon campaigns for a prestigious position in the Bluebell Belles.  In my mind, the Belles are sort of like the town’s version of the Stonecutters.  They’re secretly running the show!

 

TUESDAY

NBC

8-10 THE BIGGEST LOSER – The teams compete in challenges involving medicine balls.  Hopefully other old-timey gym equipment makes an appearance – like that thing that’s basically just a belt attached to a motor, so you put on the belt and… stand there?  Man, exercise was weird in the days of our forefathers.

FOX

8-9 GLEE – Remember how they swore up and down that there weren’t going to be any single-artist tribute episodes this year?  Well, this is the Michael Jackson tribute episode.  Sigh.  Although, remember last season when we could truthfully say that “Spears is fierce, yo!” was the worst thing that had ever happened on this show?  I miss those days.

9-9:30 NEW GIRL – Jess asks Julia for help getting out of a traffic ticket, which means Lizzy Caplan is still on this show!  I gots no problem with that.  Also, Schmidt wants to know why his shower towel is always damp, and it seems to me like there is no possible answer that won’t be somewhat horrifying.  Sometimes ignorance is better.

9:30-10 RAISING HOPE – The whole family develops a gambling habit.  It’s nice that they do things together, you know?

DISCOVERY

9-10 DIRTY JOBS – So this is actually the clip show that was scheduled for last week, when they ran an episode about medical waste instead.  No, I don’t know why they switched.  Because Discovery Channel doesn’t report to me that’s why!  Get off my case, DAD!

FX

10-11 JUSTIFIED – Raylan goes after an oxy dealer and runs afoul of the Dixie Mafia, while Boyd’s attempts to take back the Crowder empire threaten to tear his crew apart.  Hey, is anybody else disappointed that they didn’t just call Carla Gugino’s character “Karen Sisco”?  That would have been fantastic. 

 

WEDNESDAY

FOX

8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – Man, there is nothing on tonight.  It’s all repeats aside from Idol and NBC’s block of terrible comedies that refuse to die and open up a slot for Community.  Anyway, more auditions.  The listings don’t even say where they are this week.  Is it supposed to be a surprise?  Are they having auditions in Brigadoon?

BRAVO

10-11 TOP CHEF: TEXAS– The chefs are given a bike challenge to find ingredients for Pee-Wee Herman’s dinner party.  So that’s happening.  Hey, Pee-Wee!  Prove you’re in Texas.  “The stars at night / are big and bright…”

 

THURSDAY

NBC

8-8:30 30 ROCK – This episode was originally scheduled for last week – Tracy and Jenna perform at a bar mitzvah and other stuff that I wrote last week.  This needs to end!  Run the episodes you say you’re going to run!  I don’t have all day, you know.

8:30-9PARKSAND RECREATION – Leslie tries to find Ann a date, Ben goes to Ron for help with a scavenger hunt, and Chris is sad about getting dumped.  I’m going to make a bold prediction that this episode will be great.  It’s like I’m psychic or something.

9-9:30 THE OFFICE – Jim returns from jury duty, and Angela welcomes her baby.  You know a show’s been running a long time when they’ve done two plots about different characters having jury duty.

9:30-10 UP ALL NIGHT – Chris’ older brother visits.  This should be awesome, because his brother is Dean Winters – better known as Ryan O’Reilly on Oz, Mayhem on those insurance commercials, and the Beeper King on 30 Rock.  Fantastic, right?

ABC

8-9 WIPEOUT – One of the obstacles this week is a Buzz Saw.  This is the episode where things take a dark turn.

9-10 GREY’S ANATOMY – This episode takes place in an alternate reality, where Meredith isn’t so whiny.  Hopefully it’s not the reality whereTroy let in the pizza guy, because that is the worst of all possible realities.

CBS

8-8:30 BIG BANG THEORY – Wolowitz tries to choose his astronaut nickname.  Has “Peanut” been taken?  I feel like that would be a good one.

9-10 PERSON OF INTEREST – Reese and Finch call on a former POI to help with the latest POI.  They’re subcontracting now!  The logic might be a little shaky, though.  “Remember that time we saved your life?  Time to risk it!”

FOX

8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – Another audition show with no city specified.  I’m going to just say that it’s Gotham City.  That would actually get me to watch Idol.

FX

10-10:30 ARCHER –ISIS helps the Mounties to transport a Canadian terrorist.  I sort of assume that Archer and I have the exact same image of Canada, and it comes entirely from cartoons. 

CARTOON NETWORK

12-12:30 DELOCATED – Season Premiere!  Jon deals with life changes, and the Mirminksys get bad news.  I don’t need any details – I’m just happy it’s back.  By the way, in Saints Row the Third, which I can’t stop playing, there’s a radio station where Jon is the DJ.  In character, too.  I take this to mean that Delocated and the Saints Row series are in the same continuity, which means I should be able to buy tortilla hats at Planet Saints.  Well, maybe in the DLC…

 

FRIDAY

FOX

8-9 KITCHEN NIGHTMARES – Gordon goes to Atlanta.  See, American Idol?  Some shows give me information about the setting!  Why can’t you be more like your brother?

9-10 FRINGE – Olivia and Peter search for a killer who’s using a toxin from the future.  That’s pretty awesome.  Though I think you could just present yourself as the inventor of a new toxin and get rich, thus allowing you to get out of the murder game once and for all.

IFC

10-10:30 PORTLANDIA – The mayor asks Fred and Carrie for help in redesigning the police uniforms.  Oooh, I like the ones with the mayor.  I approve.

10:30-11 THE INCREASINGLY POOR DECISIONS OF TODD MARGARET – Alice is on the run from the law after being caught with an unauthorized liquor license.  Hey, somebody besides Todd is in trouble for a change!  I bet that’ll be nice for him.

 

SATURDAY

NBC

11:30-1 am SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Channing Tatum hosts.  I have to say, that’s not a guy who seems hilarious.  He also doesn’t seem like an actor, or even a person with a range of more than one emotion.  I have my misgivings about this one.

 

SUNDAY

NBC

6-10 SUPER BOWL – It’s the Super Bowl!  I am not in a playoff fantasy league this year, so I don’t have anything to say.  Oh, except that I decided that next time I’m in a league, I’m going to change my team name to “Troy and Abed in the Playoffs”, and I will require that everybody sing the name when mentioning my team.

10-11 THE VOICE – Season Premiere!  It’s the show with the spinning chairs!  I think Myndi is going to be recapping this season again.  She’s good at that, in part because she knows the actual names of songs.  When we recap Dancing with the Stars, I usually have to say things like – “It’s that one song.  You know, the one the lady sings.”

HBO

9-10 LUCK – Ace meets with a potential investor.  All right, the pilot didn’t grab me, but I’m putting all my chips on the Milch.  Yes, I’m trying to normalize that as an acceptable way to refer to David Milch.  We’ll see if it catches on.

“I’ve never been good at letting things go.  I can’t tell you how many times a fun tug-of-war with a dog over a chew toy turned contentious.  One of us always gets mad.” – Leslie Knope

“Now that I can finally understand you, I am less impressed with what you have to say.” – Don Draper

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