View-Do List (May 12-18): “He Wants us to Move the Schedule”

Was anybody watching The Daily Show on Wednesday when John McCain named Dwight Schrute as his first choice for a vice-presidential nominee?  Beautiful.  I am just easy enough that I like McCain so much better now.  If only he could name John Locke to the cabinet.  Intense bald guy, spent a lot of time in the jungle – I think they’d have a lot to talk about.

More season finales this week.  Be prepared to shed some tears and endure some cliffhangers.  It’s unlikely that any of this week’s cliffhangers will hinge on accidental (and hilarious) exposure to homosexuality-inducing gas, but you can’t have everything.  (Ah, 30 Rock.  How I love you.)

Here’s what you’ll be watching this week:

MONDAY

ABC
8-9:30 DANCING WITH THE STARS – The final four compete.  One struggles with the handicap of having one good arm, another struggles with the handicap of really not being all that good.  We’re heading to the finals here, people!

9:30-10 SAMANTHA WHO? – SEASON FINALE!  Samantha puts her relationship with Todd on hold until he breaks up with his actual girlfriend.  Probably a wise move there.
10-11 THE BACHELOR – SEASON FINALE!  Matt faces the big decision.  And then we can all start taking bets on how quickly the relationship actually ends.  Ah, romance.

NBC
8-10 AMERICAN GLADIATORS – Yes!  As if the idea of people hitting each other with sticks and throwing them off of towers isn’t enough to get you to watch, please enjoy this nugget:  “A single mother takes on a Chernobyl survivor”.  Tell me you’re not watching that.  You can’t not watch that.

FOX
8-9 BONES – Ace Young from American Idol, is found dead in the weeds.  Do the surviving members of Queen have an alibi?
9-10 HOUSE – A bus accident causes House to lose several hours, and he must recover his memory to diagnose a fellow passenger.  Hey, what was House doing on a bus anyway?

CBS
8:30-9 HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER – Britney Spears returns, and she and Barney unite in their hatred of Ted.  Well, she wasn’t terrible last time, but this might be pushing it.  I’ll allow it, though.  Renewal is still up for grabs.

ABC FAMILY
8-9 GREEK – The ZBZ girls coach fraternities in a series of contests.  I assume the eating of pickles will be involved.

DISCOVERY
9-10 DIRTY JOBS – Mike inseminates turkeys.  Hey, if they call the instrument for human insemination a ‘turkey baster’, what do you suppose they call the device for turkeys?  I bet we’ll find out tonight!

Late Show With David Letterman (CBS): N.E.R.D.
Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC): Clay Aiken
Late Late Show (CBS): Jaymay
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC): Lyfe Jennings

TUESDAY

FOX
8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – The Top 3 perform three songs each.  By the way, last week I slammed Maroon 5 and Bo Bice.  Three people have taken me to task for that, and it turns out that the band I think is Maroon 5 is not actually Maroon 5.  It turns out, I have no beef with them, and I apologize.  There’s still no saving Bo Bice, though.
9-10 HELL’S KITCHEN – Blindfold taste-test!  Always a high point of the season.  I am not convinced that this particular batch of chuckers have terribly sophisticated palates, so this should be highly entertaining.

CW
8-9 BEAUTY AND THE GEEK – SEASON FINALE!  Will it be the sweater-vest enthusiast, the MIT Oceanographer, or the dude with the thickest glasses I’ve ever seen?  At least it’s not Joe, and that’s all that matters.
9-10 REAPER – A soul keeps escaping and returning to Earth.  This is a show that needs to get renewed.  After a bunch of repetitive episodes, they’ve really started to open up the mythology and raise the entertainment factor.  Come on, CW!

ABC
9-10 DANCING WITH THE STARS – Professionals dance to a medley of Michael Jackson songs, and Marissa is eliminated.  I mean, somebody is eliminated.  Oh, who are we kidding?

Ellen DeGeneres Show (synd): Mariah Carey
Live With Regis & Kelly (synd): Duffy
Late Show With David Letterman (CBS): Death Cab For Cutie
Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC): Switchfoot
Late Night With Conan O’Brien (NBC): Gavin DeGraw
Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC): Duffy
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC): Ashlee Simpson

WENDESDAY

CW
8-9 AMERICA‘S NEXT TOP MODEL – SEASON FINALE!  Last season’s winner appears, which marks the first job she’s had since the last finale.  Way to go!

FOX
9-10 AMERICAN IDOL – A contestant is eliminated and the top two Davids are revealed!

BRAVO
10-11 TOP CHEF – The chefs must recreate an unhealthy dish into something healthier.  Me, I’m just wondering what item Dale is going to punch this week.  That guy went crazy without warning.  It’s awesome!

Late Show With David Letterman (CBS): Kid Rock
Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC): Kate Nash
Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC): Black Keys
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC): Joe Jackson

THURSDAY

NBC
8-9 MY NAME IS EARL – SEASON FINALE!  Earl’s marriage falls apart in record time, and Billie forces Earl to choose between her and the list.  Man, Earl’s going to end up in the TV Divorce Hall of Fame with Ross Geller and John Munch.
9-10 THE OFFICE – SEASON FINALE!  It’s Toby’s good-bye party.  Wait, what?  Toby’s leaving???  Hey, I think maybe we have an idea what the spin-off is going to be.  Guys, I’m a little stressed about this.  I need a hug.
10-11 ER – SEASON FINALE!  Steve Buscemi guest-stars and Stanley Tucci returns!  The Tooch and the Boosh, together at last.

ABC
9-10 GREY’S ANATOMY – Dr. Wyatt refuses to let Meredith give up on therapy.  As an aside, I spoke to somebody last week (and I’ve forgotten who) who said that Sandra Oh looks like a foot.  That’s not nice.
10-11 LOST – The battle between the Lostways and the freighter people begins!  Awesome!  And, oh yeah, according to the preview, the Oceanic Six get off the Island!  You can not miss this episode.  I will pinch your arm if you don’t watch.

The View (ABC): Robyn
Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC): Dwight Yoakam
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC): Dierks Bentley

FRIDAY

SCI-FI
10-11 BATTLESTAR GALACTICA – I don’t even have the heart to make up a fake description this week.  You know why?  Last week, Adama smiled!  That threw me into kind of a tailspin.  I was joking when I said that might happen.  Imagine my shock.

Today Show (NBC): New Kids On The Block
Good Morning America (ABC): Josh Groban
Ellen DeGeneres Show (synd): Justin Timberlake, Duffy
Live With Regis & Kelly (synd): Bryan Adams
Oprah Winfrey Show (synd): Mary J. Blige
Late Late Show (CBS): Reba McEntire
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC): Clay Aiken, Kate Nash

SATURDAY

NBC
11:30-1 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – SEASON FINALE!  Steve Carell hosts!  With the quality they’ve had since the Strike, I am really excited to see what they can do with Steve.

Saturday Night Live (synd): Usher

SUNDAY

FOX
8-8:30 THE SIMPSONS – SEASON FINALE!  Lisa steals the spotlight from Krusty and gets her own show.  Meanwhile Homer and Bart bond over coin collecting.  It seems to me that they’ve brought in some new blood on the writing staff, because the last several episodes have been consistently strong.  That’s a good sign as we head into Season Twenty.
8:30-9 KING OF THE HILL – SEASON FINALE!  Peggy’s felon brother, Hoyt, comes to town and commits another crime.  We don’t see much of Peggy’s family, so this should be fun.  (And we won’t nitpick how she’s been portrayed with two completely different mothers.  I’ll just let it eat away at me silently.)

ABC
9-11 DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES – Dana Delaney’s secrets are revealed, including (hopefully) the secret of how she is exactly as hot in 2008 as she was in 1986.  Also, Lynette is accused of child abuse.  I bet this is the episode they submit to the Emmys, what with how they keep submitting as a comedy.  Hi-lar-i-ous!

I’ll see you next week when the schedule will be noticeably shorter!

Ever yours,
Tuck Pollington

“I never said I worship her; I’m just very fond of the ground on which she walks.” – Linus VanPelt

“My mom had a uterus.  I lived in it.” – John Dorian

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