View-Do List: My Schedule Has a First Name… (Jun 16-22)

Hi all! I’m back from a weekend on the Waterfront.  Hopefully you’ll appreciate this schedule, given that I ended up with a case of bad sunburn, and it hurts quite a bit to make the necessary movements to type.  I’m wincing for you people!  It turns out, eating a leisurely lunch in the sun when your natural pallor is somewhere between “wan” and “Winter Brother” is not a smart move.  I’ve learned my lesson about going outdoors, and it will be a long time before I try that again…

And through the pain I say, here’s what you’ll be watching this week:

MONDAY

NBC
12N-3P U.S. OPEN SUDDEN DEATH 18-HOLE PLAYOFF – If a few dudes in your office take extra long lunches, go home ‘sick’, or randomly cheer in their offices, its because they’re watching Superman vs. Everyman. Tiger Woods vs. Rocco Mediate.


8-9 AMERICAN GLADIATORS – Twin sisters compete against one another!  If only they could put aside their differences and team up to defeat their common enemies.  Would Crush remain undefeated if faced with two Joust foes at once?  I think not!

ABC

8-10 THE BACHELORETTE – The first hour is devoted to “DeAnna Tells All”, and I am assured that Trista Sutter will be appearing.  Oh, hooray.  Then, DeAnna and four men race across the desert on ATV’s.  Wait, what?  Did this become a different show all of a sudden?  It turned into The Amazing Race, only the prize is a woman who cries when people aren’t paying attention to her.

10-11 THE MOLE – The Mole steals the contestants’ clothing.  The Mole is indeed awesome, but inadvertent nudity makes absolutely everything better.

BRAVO

9-10 DIRTY JOBS – Mike remembers the jobs that helped clean the environment.  Wait a minute, this sounds like a clip show!  If I worked for this show, Mike would be eating cheesecake while he reminisced.  I do not work for this show, unfortunately.

Live With Regis & Kelly (synd): Jordin Sparks
The View (ABC): Cyndi Lauper
Late Show With David Letterman (CBS): Adele
Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC): Amos Lee
Late Night With Conan O’Brien (NBC): The Lordz
Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC): Katy Perry

TUESDAY

CBS

8-11 AFI’s 10 TOP 10 – Hey, the AFI is going to tell you what movies you should like once again.  The top 10 movies in each of 10 genres.  I hope one of the genres is “cop movies with comically mismatched partners”.  Includes appearances from Jessica Alba and Cuba Gooding Jr., neither of whom should ever get within sniffing distance of a Top 10 list.

NBC

9-11 AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – SEASON PREMIERE!  After years of ignoring this talent show, I now have to watch it.  Why?  One Mr. Piers Morgan, winner of Celebrity Apprentice.  I am so excited I can almost hardly eat my pineapple.

FOX

9-10 HELL’S KITCHEN – One chef burns Gordon’s hand.  Yeah, that will not end well.  And seriously, is there anybody who would have picked Petrozza for the Final Four?  The guy who can’t remember recipes?  Was he the one who made “Hen in a Pumpkin”?  If so, the world has gone crazy.

FX

10-11 30 DAYS – An avid hunter lives with a PETA coordinator for 30 days.  Wait a minute, is this show turning into Wife Swap?

Ellen DeGeneres Show (synd): Carly Simon
Late Show With David Letterman (CBS): Dr. John
Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC): Jewel
Late Late Show (CBS): John Hiatt
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC): Chromeo
Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC): Gavin DeGraw

WEDNESDAY

FOX

8-10 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE – The top 18 finalists, including people named “Twitch Boss” and “Marquis Cunningham”, compete.  If my name was “Twitch”, I’d be afraid to try to dance, because of the obvious jokes.

NBC

8:30-10 CELEBRITY CIRCUS – Did anybody watch this last week?  I actually recorded it for the trainwreck factor, but I deleted it unwatched.  What a sad little DVR graveyard…

CW

9-10 FARMER WANTS A WIFE – Yeah, I’m still listing it.  There’s not much on Wednesday.  Sorry.

BRAVO

10-11 TOP CHEF – The Reunion Show!  Considering they couldn’t even be civil while they were on the show, it should be fun to watch the chefs get back together.  I want to get on this show just so I can ask Padma about that scar on her arm.  Seriously, it’s like she survived a machete attack.

Ellen DeGeneres Show (synd): Justin Timberlake, Duffy
Oprah Winfrey Show (synd): Bette Midler
Late Show With David Letterman (CBS): Martha Wainwright
Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC): Against Me!
Late Late Show (CBS): The Fratellis
Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC): The Game
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC): Jewel

THURSDAY

NBC

8:30-10 LAST COMIC STANDING – Well, they’ve given up on having cool talent scouts, so now you’re left with nothing but comedians who already have TV gigs acting like they’re just starting out.  Call me when Neil Flynn comes back.

10-11 FEAR ITSELF – A prisoner inadvertently switches bodies with a serial-killer.  I like the “inadvertently” part.  Hey, it’s not like he planned this!

CBS

10-11 SWINGTOWN – Trina presents twist on fondue.  A dirty twist, I bet.  Just so everybody knows, Trina is my new TV girlfriend.  Not because of the fondue, but I certainly don’t think that’s going to change my mind.

FOX

9-10 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE – Two finalists are eliminated.  Do you know who’d make a less grating judge than Mary Murphy?  Absolutely anybody!

COMEDY CENTRAL

10:30-11 RENO 911! – Weigel’s father returns from prison.  I can not wait to say who plays this character.  Ideally, he should be animated.  Is MC Skat Kat available?  I bet Paula Abdul never calls…

Ellen DeGeneres Show (synd): James Blunt, Taylor Swift
Late Show With David Letterman (CBS): Keyshia Cole
Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC): Duffy
Late Night With Conan O’Brien (NBC): My Morning Jacket
Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC): Cloud Cult
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC): Lil Wayne

FRIDAY
THE DISNEY CHANNEL
8-10 CAMP ROCK – To you non-parents, this is a non-event.  To parents of children ages 6-16, your grey matter is about to be exposed to yet another collection of impossibly cute and charming teen-stars and songs you can’t get out of your head.  And …the Jonas Brothers.

Today Show (NBC): Rihanna
Good Morning America (ABC): Boyz II Men
Live With Regis & Kelly (synd): Neil Diamond
Late Show With David Letterman (CBS): Baseball Project
Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC): Bette Midler
Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC): Ben Harper

SATURDAY
ABC
8-11 CAMP ROCK – SEASON PREMIERE!  Celebrity singers coach aspiring musicians at a special summer camp.  For three hours.  I’m sorry, but this sounds like something they use on detainees at Guantanamo Bay.

SUNDAY

CARTOON NETWORK

11:30-12 am THE VENTURE BROTHERS – No information available, but when the episode is titled “My Dinner with Hatred”, do you need any information?  If you hear that title and don’t immediately click the record button, we will never understand one another.

12-12:15 am METALOCALYPSE – “Dethklok visits scarred and disfigured victims of recent attacks.”  Man, total Emmy bait.  They’re going to learn a valuable lesson, aren’t they?  Or, more likely, there will be a double-digit body count.  There is much we can learn from Dethklok.

That’s it for this week.  I’ll catch you goobers later!

Ever yours,

Tammany Hall

“This is what I do.  I drop truth bombs.” – Tracy Jordan

“It’s been brought to my attention that you’re not using both sides of the toilet paper.  You’re wasting a ply.” – Phil Ken Sebben

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